American Gothic Vortex
by Joseph Aniwaya
Summary: Sequel to the Home Invasion Proposition and the Expansion Paradigm. Life with Leonard and Penny seems pretty idyllic, but then Penny and her family have to face a problem that endangers a family legacy dating back 100 years. This story is unabashedly fluffy and terribly off-canon, just so you understand that up-front. I love reviews, but please no anonymous "guest" reviews.
1. Chapter 01: Before the Storm

The American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 01, Before the Storm Consideration

_Author's Note: This story begins approaching three months after Penny gave birth to her and Leonard's daughter Emily. There is an entire story line and a number of characters that will be unfamiliar to you if you have not read the Home Invasion Proposition and the Expansion Paradigm. I'm setting the stage in this chapter for some things that will happen shortly, so please bear with me._

#

Sheldon sat on the end of the sofa wiggling his bottom.

"Ehhhhhhh, no," he said.

"What's wrong with this one?" Penny said.

"It just doesn't have that _je ne sais quois_ that the other one had," Sheldon said.

Penny rolled her eyes and said, "Sheldon, this is the twelfth furniture store we've visited since I had Emily and probably about the one-hundredth sofa you've tried. I still don't know why the old sofa wouldn't have done. We had it cleaned. I don't see why you got rid of it."

"I know what took place on it," Sheldon said. "It had that smell."

"Sheldon, the smell it had was cleaning fluid because we had it cleaned four times. That smell will go away. And what happened, that you seem to think was so disgusting, was I gave birth to my daughter, your goddaughter. That's a beautiful thing."

"Maybe you had a stroke during the delivery and don't remember," Sheldon said. "There was blood and bodily fluids all over the place. It looked as if someone had food processed a live pig. I couldn't even look at the sofa, much less sit on it."

"Which is why you paid the college students $20 to carry it away and brought the folding lawn chairs out of storage, no doubt," Penny said.

"Hey, guys, what's the verdict?" Leonard, who was carrying a sleeping Emily, said as he approached them.

"It just doesn't have that French something or other," Penny said. "The Princess here felt a pea."

"It just does not sing to me," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon," Leonard said, "I'm the one who bought the old sofa, but I gave it to you when I left. This sofa costs [looking at the tag] $1100.00. We've offered to buy you a new sofa. That sounds like a good deal to me. Look: This one folds out into a queen-size bed in case you have company."

"I don't like company."

"Sheldon, this is a perfectly good sofa," Penny said.

"What can I say, Penny. The ass wants what the ass wants."

Penny laughed and said, "You said it, Sheldon, I didn't."

"What? Is that sarcasm? The new sofa is out there somewhere. We're just going to have to keep on looking, no matter how long it takes," Sheldon said.

"Well, we're going to have to continue this later. I'm starving," Penny said.

"You eat all the time now," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon," Penny said, "I'm breast-feeding. I'm literally eating for two."

"At least you used 'literally' correct for a change," Sheldon said.

#

Bernadette dialed Leonard as he brought Penny's food tray and put it down in front of her.

"Hi, Leonard. [Pause] Baby, I need some more of the good stuff. [Pause] No, I'm Jonesing bad. I gotta have it. I'll do anything. [Pause] Sheldon can wait. I gotta have it, and I gotta have it now. [Pause] No, I'll watch Emily while you get it for me if Penny needs to read her script. [Pause] OK, call me. I'll drive on over to your house and wait."

Leonard put his phone back into the Otterbox holster. "That was Bernadette," he said. "She's craving my homemade brownies. She's having Howard drive her to Sugar-n-Spice on the way to get some onion rings and mozzarella cheese sticks, and then they're heading to our house."

"I don't blame her," Penny said. "You do make great brownies." Penny picked up her cell phone and dialed Bernadette. "Hi, Bernadette: When you go to Sugar-n-Spice, could you get me an order of onion rings too? And some of the cheese sticks with extra marinara sauce. [Pause] OK."

Leonard's phone rang again. "Oh, hi, Patti. [Pause] No, we're out with Sheldon trying again to find a replacement sofa. [Pause] Sheldon can do what to himself? [Pause] You have to have some of my homemade salsa? [Pause] Bernadette is on the way over because she wants some of my homemade brownies. [Pause] OK, I'll make a batch for you too. [Pause] No, she's going to have Howard take her by Sugar-n-Spice for onion rings and mozzarella cheese sticks. [Pause] You too? They just called, so you still have time to call them. [Pause] OK, Penny's having a snack, and then we'll head home. We should be there in about half an hour."

"I want brownies too," Penny said as she scarfed down the veggie wrap Leonard had ordered for her.

"OK, so I need to stop off at Whole Foods," Leonard said. "All right, Patti, I'll see you in about 45 minutes."

"Penny," Sheldon said. "How is it you're back to your pre-pregnancy figure, considering how much you eat?"

"Sheldon, do you have any idea how many calories I have to eat to keep up with Emily? She's an eating machine: That's her job right now. Thank you, by the way: I still have 12 pounds to go to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight."

"You look the same to me," Sheldon said.

"Aw, sweetie, I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Penny said.

"I wasn't trying to be nice," Sheldon said.

#

Bernadette took a huge bite of one of Leonard's brownies.

"Careful, Bernadette," Leonard said as he inverted the second pan of brownies onto the cooling rack. "They're pretty hot. I don't want to burn you, so, next time, you may want to let me finish taking the pan out of the oven before you start grabbing brownies."

Bernadette's eyes rolled back in her head. "Oh, Leonard. Leave Penny and run away with me. This is heaven."

"Easy there, sweet tooth," Howard said.

Leonard put the next two batches of brownies in the oven and closed the door. He went over to the Vita-Mix and poured the next batch of salsa into a bowl. He moved the bowl to the table.

"Here you go," Wyatt said, coming through the door. "Four more bags of tortilla chips."

"Thanks, Wyatt," Leonard said. "Ordinarily, I would make my own chips, but these ladies are keeping me pretty busy."

"Leonard," Patti said, spooning salsa onto a chip. "Bernadette is right. Run away with her and me and keep us in brownies and salsa. Penny, let's have some more of the onion rings. Gina, aren't you going to have any?"

Gina sipped her white wine as she held a wide-awake Emily, who had a serious but interested look on her face. "I may have a brownie and maybe an onion ring or two," she said. "I'm sitting here in wonder at how much you guys are eating. It's like a pack of hyenas eating a gazelle."

"Leonard," Wyatt said. "I'm going to fire up the gas grill for us guys. You want a burger?"

"I have some sandwich-size Portobello mushrooms in the crisper," Leonard said. "They make great burgers."

Wyatt and Howard stared at Leonard. "You have to be kidding," Wyatt said.

"You sure the burger won't smear your lipstick?" Howard said.

"Hey, there's nothing unmanly about eating healthy," Leonard said. "Besides, the Portobello burgers are great."

"Sheldon," Wyatt said. "You want a regular burger or one of Leonard's?"

"I don't eat fungi," Sheldon said. "I'll have a grilled cheese, please."

"I want a Portobello burger," Penny said.

"Me too," Bernadette said.

"Me too," Patti said.

"I'll pass," Gina said. "Mike and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory before the movie."

#

[Author's note for my friends who are not familiar with North American culture: A bunny suit is a one-piece pajama set with feet.]

Leonard stood behind the counter as Norah O'Donnell, who was holding Emily, introduced him.

"Our favorite couple is back at CBS This Morning, and they brought a new member of our CBS family with them. [The camera moved in for a tight close-up of Emily, wearing a cute bunny suit, who stuck out her tongue and kicked.] This is my newest friend, Emily Grace Hofstadter, who is about to be three months old. We first met Penny on Valentine's Day, 2013, after she had fought off four home invaders, inflicting serious injuries on three of them. We came to know her and her fiance-now her husband-Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, and now they have their daughter Emily Grace Hofstadter. [The camera focused on Penny as Norah handed Emily off to her.] You can see Penny in Nerds on Thursdays at 8:00 p.m. on CBS and her and Leonard on Science and Technology Week on Wednesdays at 8:00 p.m. on the National Geographic Channel. Leonard's here with nutritionist Arletta Hill to show us how he's feeding Penny while she breast-feeds their daughter. I should add that Leonard leaves in a few days to travel to Stockholm to receive the Nobel Prize in physics for his work with the so-called 'God Particle.' Hi, Leonard, Arletta. It's great to see both of you."

"Hi, Norah," Arletta said.

"It's good to see you again," Leonard said.

"Leonard," Norah said, "Before we get started, congratulations to you and Penny on your beautiful daughter and to you on winning the Nobel Prize."

"Thank you, Norah," Leonard said. " I can tell Emily likes you. She doesn't stick out her tongue for just anyone. I am such a lucky man to have the two most amazing ladies in the world under the same roof as me. As far as the Nobel Prize is concerned, the prize is for my team. I have six really super team members, led by Dr. Alexandra Jensen, who, by the way, just became engaged herself."

"So, Leonard, when we heard you and Penny were going to be in town, we had to have you come by. We've had people rave to us, and we've read the articles in Vanity Fair, American Whole Food Cuisine, and American Mother, about how you are taking care of Penny, so we wanted to have you come by and show us. To what do we owe the pleasure of your being in New York?"

"I came to town to meet with the Hofstadter Foundation founded by my grandmother, the original Emily Hofstadter," Leonard said. "We took care of that yesterday. We'll head up after the show today to spend Thanksgiving weekend with my family."

"I understand you have more than Penny you're feeding right now," Norah said.

"My step-mother Patti and our dear friend Bernadette are pregnant," Penny said, "and they're having these wild cravings for Leonard's homemade brownies and his homemade salsa. It's a good thing we installed a professional-grade kitchen."

"I hope they have enough brownies and salsa to get them through the time you're here," Norah said.

"I made quadruple batches of both," Leonard said. "I hope that does it."

"Well, let's talk about feeding a lactating mother," Norah said.

#

Penny sat propped up in bed breast-feeding Emily.

Stomp, stomp, stomp. Linda stopped short of the bed.

Penny said, "It's all right, sweetie. Come on and get in bed. It's cold tonight." She discreetly covered up her breast.

Linda carefully slid into bed next to Penny.

"Aunt Penny," Linda said, "Emily eats a lot."

"That's kind of her job right now, sweetie," Penny said. "She needs a lot to grow and to make her bones good and strong."

Stomp, stomp, stomp. Molly stopped, looked at Penny sitting up in bed holding Emily, and said, "Aunt Penny, can I come up and be Uncle Leonard's varmint?"

"You bet, sweetie," Penny said. "Uncle Leonard's brushing his teeth. Why don't you keep his side of the bed warm for him."

Leonard came back to bed to find Molly curled up in his spot. He hoisted her up off the bed, slid into bed, and deposited Molly back down between him and Penny.

"Hello there, varmint," Leonard said.

"Uncle Leonard," Linda said. "I wish you and Aunt Penny and Emily didn't have to leave on Saturday night."

"Me too, sweetheart," Leonard said. "But we're going to a good thing. We're going to Aunt Penny's cousin Sherry's wedding on Sunday."

"Uncle Leonard," Molly said, "What does Emily do? I want to play with her."

"Oh, she does a lot of things," Leonard said. "Mostly, right now, she eats, poops, sleeps, and watches whatever is going on. She's always watching. My nickname for her is 'The Watcher.'"

"She's bigger than the last time I saw her," Molly said.

"She's a lot bigger," Leonard said. "She's growing like a weed."

Molly cackled. "Growing like a weed," she said.

"That's choice, coming from a varmint," Leonard said.

#

"Oh, come on, ref," Penny said as she, Rachel, Janice, Paul, and Renee watched the Thanksgiving Day Nebraska game on ESPN. She had Emily, who had that scientist-looking-at-a-bug look, turned toward the TV. "His foot was out of bounds."

"Guys," Renee said, "You are missing a great game."

Leonard, Al, and Michael sat at the kitchen table talking and having tea.

"Um, hum," Leonard said. "Anyway, Michael, I found that, if I substitute almond milk for cow's milk, it tastes just fine. You taste the oatmeal, not the almonds."

"I'll have to try that," Michael said. "I think I'm even more lactose-intolerant than you are. I had been putting coffee creamer in my oatmeal."

"Leonard," Janice said from the den, "I hope you can show me how to make your famous Tres Leches Cake that you served for Thanksgiving lunch. I was able to eat it and it hasn't bothered me. I'm as lactose-intolerant as you and Michael are. What did you do?"

"I discovered a little secret," Leonard said. "I can tolerate goat's milk, and, apparently you can too. The three milks in the cake are goat, almond, and soy milk with a little liquid non-dairy coffee creamer. Penny's dad keeps us in goat's milk, and I was able to get some from the health food store yesterday over by the highway."

"Leonard," Penny said, "She's getting a little fussy."

Leonard walked into the den and picked up Emily. "Hey there, my sweet girl," he said.

Emily smiled up at him.

"Penny! Look! She smiled at me," Leonard said.

"It may just be gas," Penny said.

"She's three months old," Janice said. "That's about when we get the social smile. Let's try an experiment." She reached for Emily. "Leonard go out of the room and come back."

Leonard handed Emily to Janice and left the room. Emily started getting fussy. Leonard walked back in and reached for Emily. Emily smiled at him.

"Look at that," Leonard said.

"She gave you her first smile," Penny said. "She loves her daddy."

"She loves her mommy too," Leonard said. He turned Emily toward Penny and said, "Look, Emily. There's Mommy."

"Hi, sweetie," Penny said, tickling Emily's tummy.

Emily smiled at her as she kicked both feet and waved a fist.

Leonard squeezed Emily and walked over to the window with her. "Look at the snow," he told her. "Your Mommy and I got snowed in at Uncle Michael's the weekend we got married."

"Uncle Leonard, I'm finished with my nap. I want to see Em-lee," Molly said, running into the room.

"Hey, Molly," Leonard said, "Emily has something to show you-if she'll do it. Why don't you walk over here and speak to Emily."

Molly cautiously approached Leonard as he knelt and turned Emily toward Molly so she and Molly were at the same level.

"Hey, Em-lee," Molly said.

Emily smiled at her.

"See, sweetheart? Emily smiled at you," Leonard said.

"Mommy!" Molly said. "Em-lee loves me."

"I see that," Janice said.

Leonard sat on the sofa holding Emily with Molly sitting next to them playing with her. Every time Molly said something to Emily, Emily kicked and waved her fist.

"Uncle Leonard, she stuck her tongue out at me," Molly said.

"That means she really loves you a lot," Leonard said. "She doesn't stick out her tongue at just anybody."

"We have to show Daddy," Penny said. "Hey, Daddy," she said into her phone. "I'm going to Skype you in a moment. I have something you're going to want to see." She hung up.

"What are your dad and Patti doing for Thanksgiving?" Rachel asked.

"They went out to Omaha early," Penny said.

Wyatt's image appeared on Penny's iPad.

"Hi, slugger," Wyatt said. "What's up?"

"Is Patti there too?" Penny said.

"Hi, Penny," Patti said, moving into the picture.

"Watch this," Penny said. "Say something to Emily."

She pointed the iPad webcam at Emily.

"Hi, sweetie-pie," Wyatt said. "It's Grandpa Wyatt."

Emily smiled and began kicking.

"She's smiling."

"She sure is," Penny said.

"Hi, sweet girl," Patti said.

Emily beamed at her and stuck out her tongue.

"Grandma Patti," Molly said. "Em-lee really loves you. She stuck her tongue out at you."

#

"Bye, bye, Emily," Wyatt said a few minutes later as Penny signed off Skype. "Grandpa loves you. I'll see you on Sunday."

"Bye, bye, sweetheart," Patti said.

"That was amazing," Wyatt said.

Wyatt's cousin Sandra said, "I was watching over your shoulder. I hope that's all right. Emily looks just like Penny did at that age. She is so beautiful."

"She's smart, too," Wyatt said. "I think she recognizes people. She acts differently depending on who you are."

Wyatt saw Ms. Lidy struggling to get through the living room with her walker. She was having a hard time getting over the carpet, which was bunched.

"Here, Miz Lidy," he said. "Let me get that carpet out of your way."

"Thank you, Wyatt," Ms. Lidy said. "Where's your daddy? I wanted to talk to him about changing the oil in my car."

"Miz Lidy," Wyatt said, "Dad had to step out. He told me to come change your oil. Why don't you call me tomorrow when I can come over, and I'll change it."

"I'll do that. Who is this pretty lady here?" Ms. Lidy said, nodding at Patti.

"This is my friend Patti," Wyatt said. "She's a police officer."

"Officer Patti, can you make those boys stop knocking down my mailbox with those ball bats?" Ms. Lidy said.

"I'm sorry," Patti said. "I'm a with the police department in Los Angeles. I'm just visiting here for Thanksgiving."

"Well, see what you can do about those boys," Ms. Lidy said.

"Ms. Lidy," Wyatt said, pulling out his smartphone. "Look what we have at my house." He showed her a series of pictures of Emily, some with Penny holding her.

"I see," Ms. Lidy said. "That's your wife Lisa holding Penny. My, Penny is growing. She's so pretty, like both of her parents."

"She is, Miz Lidy."

"Officer. . . I'm sorry, I must be getting old. I forgot your name," Ms. Lidy said. "I see you're expecting. Is your husband here, or are you one of those modern women who don't need a husband?"

"Oh, my husband is here," Patti said. "You'll know him if you see him. He's the most handsome man you've ever seen."

"Humph," Ms. Lidy said. "I'll have to see that for myself. I've seen some beautiful men, like Wyatt here and his daddy. If your husband's better looking than them, I want to see him."

Ms. Lidy rolled her walker into the dining room.

"Who was that?" Patti asked.

"That was the famous Miz Lidy," Wyatt said.

"Spell her name for me."

"L-I-D-Y, pronounced 'lie-dee,'" Wyatt said.

"Alzheimer's?"

"Yes, she has Alzheimer's. She is the finest person you would ever want to meet. She and her husband raised four boys. At one time, she was responsible for most of the defensive line at Ralston High School."

"She thinks Penny is Lisa and Emily is Penny. What was that about your father?"

"I think she thinks it's still the 1980s," Wyatt said. "Penny and Leonard ran into her when they were here, and she told Penny to get home because she shouldn't be out with boys on a school night."

"I think she has a thing for you and your late dad."

#

Alex checked herself in the mirror as Raj pulled out of Howard's mother's driveway.

"That was one of the more surreal Thanksgiving dinners I've ever had," she said. "On retrospect, maybe we should have gone to San Francisco and spent Thanksgiving with my sister."

"You'll get used to Mrs. Walowitz," Raj said. "She has actually become like a second mother to me. She loves Howard a lot. And, now that Bernadette is pregnant, she's so excited she can't stand herself."

"She called me a skinny weirdo," Sheldon said from the backseat.

"You're not that skinny," Raj said. "Since Leonard left, your dietary habits have gone downhill."

"My ears are still ringing. Do she and Howard ever have a normal-decibel conversation?" Alex asked.

"No, that's how they relate," Raj said.

"Bernadette sounds just like her when she yells," Sheldon said.

"Tell me again: What was the bizarre dish she served?" Alex said.

"It's called Turbriskafil," Sheldon said. "Turkey, stuffed with brisket, stuffed with gefilte fish."

"I'm sorry," Alex said. "I don't want to be rude, but the smell would gag a maggot. She didn't seem to be able to wrap her head around the fact that I don't eat meat and kept offering me some. I thought she was going to be sick when she saw me eating my Tofurkey."

"She thinks that's why you're so what she considers to be skinny," Raj said. "She doesn't understand vegetarians."

"You don't think I'm thin?"

"I think you're perfect."

"So, Raj, Sheldon, are both of you going out for Black Friday shopping with me tonight? I have my list made and can probably do almost all of my Christmas shopping in one day."

"I may sleep late and go out after lunch," Raj said.

"Oh, no," Alex said. "You have to hit the stores when they open if you want the best deals. BestBuy is opening at Midnight, and the stores at the Glendale Galleria are opening at 5:00 a.m. You have to be in line in time to get in early or you lose out."

"I've already done all of my Christmas shopping online," Sheldon said.

"Raj," Alex said, "Why don't we drop off Sheldon and you come with me. We can go stand in line at BestBuy and then hit the Glendale Galleria so we can get a good place in line."

"I haven't made out my list," Raj said. "I'll take care of it later."


	2. Chapter 02: Thanksgiving Weekend Query

American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 02, The Thanksgiving Weekend Query

Raj, Howard, and Sheldon sat in front of one of the four large-screen TVs at the Glendale Galleria Pastry Palace. They all had out their tablets and laptops with a number of shopping bags in front of them.

"This is actually pretty nice," Howard said as he got up and refilled his coffee. "The Pastry Palace always makes a nice man cave where the guys can chill while the gals shop on Black Friday. I usually come with my mom."

"The gals? That's sexist, dude," Raj said. "Personally, I see myself as Alex' assistant. I'm watching the haul while Alex does the hard work."

Bernadette walked up pushing her folding shopping cart and deposited additional bags in front of the three men.

"Here, Sheldon, Raj," she said. "These are from Amy and Alex. They said don't look in them. Here, Howard. Watch these. Don't look in these either."

"Where's Amy?" Sheldon asked.

"She's in Modern Bride," Bernadette said.

"What's she doing there?" Sheldon asked, looking up from his tablet for the first time.

"She's making an appointment to come back and try on wedding dresses," Bernadette said.

"Oh, what Fresh Hell?" Sheldon said, bolting from the table and running toward the other side of the mall, leaving his laptop, tablet, and all of Amy's full shopping bags. He yelled, "Amy! Amy! Amy!" as he disappeared around the corner flapping his arms.

"What was that about?" Raj asked.

Bernadette said, "I think Amy has wedding fever, from Howard and me and Leonard and Penny getting married, Alex and you getting engaged, Patti and me being pregnant, and Leonard and Penny having Emily."

"Is that where Alex is too?" Raj said. "My parents are coming for a visit after New Year's, and my mommy wants to go wedding dress shopping with her. She wants to buy Alex' dress for her American wedding and her outfit for our India wedding."

"No," Bernadette said. "She went to Destination Maternity. They're having a maternity fair. After I leave here, I'm planning to join her."

Raj, who had just taken a big swallow of coffee, sprayed it over Bernadette and the bags. He grabbed some napkins to wipe the coffee coming out his nose.

"Sheesh, Raj," Bernadette said, "Careful. It's all over me, and we don't want to stain anything in the bags."

"Oh, crap. Oh, crap," Raj said, hopping up and charging toward the other side of the mall. As he ran toward the direction Sheldon had run, he yelled, "Alex! Alex! Alex!"

Sheldon, running, crossed in front of Raj and shouted, "Wrong direction."

Howard and Bernadette watched Raj disappear around the corner near the Eyeglass Hut and Sheldon disappear past Charming Charley's. "I guess I need to go check on Alex and Amy," Bernadette said. "Looks like you're stuck with the bags."

"True dat," Howard said.

#

Three thousand miles away, Leonard carried Emily around in the baby sack on his front as he and Penny walked through Cambridgeside Galleria near Harvard University. Penny was wearing her new disguise with a bright red wig under Leonard's Tilly Hat and wearing thick-rimmed glasses.

"Hey, Penny," the teenage girls said as they passed them.

"Penny!" the young, supermodel-beautiful brunette standing in the Sephora entrance, said. "Looking good!"

"Ah, gee," Penny said. "They recognized me."

"Turn around," Leonard said.

Penny turned around to come face-to-face with a 10-foot-tall picture of her with a Santa hat and a winter parka wearing the Penny Winter Collection in the Sephora window.

They met up with Al and Rachel, who were pushing Randi in a stroller.

"Hey, sweetheart," Rachel said, brushing the side of Emily's face with her hand.

Emily smiled at her, kicked, and waved her fist.

"Em-ee," Randi said.

"Hey, little sis," Penny said, bending down to kiss Randi.

"How did you guys do?" Leonard asked.

"I have a hard time getting your dad into the gift-buying spirit," Rachel said. "Mostly he sat in the man cave at the Atlanta Bread Company drinking coffee and playing with Randi guarding the bags while I hit the specials."

"We finished buying the Munchkins' Christmas presents," Penny said. "We're going to have to order Molly's birthday present, but it should arrive a couple of weeks early. That finishes our shopping for everyone here. I appreciate Michael holding everything for us until Christmas. Leonard, you were tremendous. Where you on Black Friday before we got married?"

"You were mostly home in Nebraska, so we only spent about two Thanksgiving weekends together," Leonard said.

"Well, you were super."

"We got the you-know-what for you-know-who," Leonard said, subtly nodding toward Randi.

"It's still not even 9:00 a.m. Let's go out for a real breakfast," Penny said. "I could go for some pancakes. Randy, you look like a pancake girl to me."

Randy beamed up at Penny and said, "Fench Fye."

"French fries? Maybe we can find you some French fries," Penny laughed.

"She calls anything with potatoes French fries," Al said. "She will tear through hashbrowns."

A few minutes later, Penny was diving in to her breakfast special at the Pancake House.

"Oh, these are so good. Dr. Hofstadter, see? I'm eating protein with the carbs," she said as she ate some of her scrambled eggs. "I love the butter pecan syrup."

"I can make it," Leonard said.

"I assume you're talking to your husband when you say 'Dr. Hofstadter,'" Al said.

"Oh, sorry," Penny said. "That's what I call him sometimes, especially when he rolls his eyes at me when I talk about psychics or astrology or he goes veggier-than-thou."

"Leonard," Al said. "Did I understand you to say that your mother wouldn't even come out into the waiting room to meet her granddaughter when you were in New York?"

"No, we stood there for 20 minutes," Leonard said. "Her receptionist said she didn't have a patient with her, she was doing paper work."

"Al, I'm about to go Junior Rodeo on your ex-wife," Penny said.

"She likes you," Al said. "She says you're her best friend."

"Her best friend's about to smack her so hard she'll have to roll down her socks to, uh [looking at Randi], sneeze," Penny said.

Al and Leonard looked at her. "That doesn't make any sense," Leonard said.

"Okay," Penny said, "I cleaned it up for the little ears. I think Beverly and I are running toward a major reckoning. I was already fed up with how she treated Leonard, but, now, she's giving my daughter the same treatment. Someone as smart as she is should know better than to poke the cub when Mama Bear is watching. She has never met Emily. To be honest, I'm not sure now whether I want Emily to get to know her. Rachel is much more of a grandmother than Beverly is, even though she's two months younger than I am."

Al chuckled. He said, "You know, I think Emily is going to be smart enough to figure it out, but a lot of children would be confused by having one grandmother who is younger than her father and another who is younger than both of her parents."

"Patti's a doll," Leonard said. "She loves Emily-and Penny. Emily is going to be one lucky little girl having her-you too, Rachel. And now she has an Aunt Randi who is a year older than she is and will have an uncle or aunt younger than she is."

"I forgot that Patti is pregnant too," Rachel said.

"So, Penny," Al said, "You and Emily aren't traveling to Stockholm for the Nobel Prize ceremony?"

"No," Penny said. "So far, Emily travels very well, but I don't want to subject her to that at three months. It's going to be the first time Leonard will be away from Emily for more than just a few hours going to work. I worry how both of them will handle it."

"You said at her Christening that, when she misses Leonard, you can play videos of him delivering lectures and that the two of them Skype when he's at work or you're at the studio with her. I guess you can continue to do that," Al said.

Penny said, "She's gotten wise to that. She's figured out the difference between Leonard in person and Leonard on the iPad. She still watches him on the screen and interacts with him when he Skypes, but she's not as interested as when he's actually there. I don't think he'll dawdle in Stockholm, though. He's planning to fly there in time for the ceremony, stay for the reception, and then hop back on the plane and be back. We're thinking he'll be gone four to five days."

"Poor things," Rachel said. "Your sister will be there with you and Emily, I'm guessing."

"Yeah, Gina has been great," Penny said. "She looks so much like me that I think that helped Emily bond with her. We'll be shooting the last couple of Nerds before the Christmas-New Year's hiatus, so I'll be at the studio every day that week, and Gina will be with us the whole time Leonard's gone."

"How is that working out, with you having Emily at the studio?" Rachel asked.

"It's great," Penny said. "The entire cast and crew welcomed Emily into the family. We have a couple of other female crewmembers who bring their newborns, so Emily is making friends. The producers worked with me, letting my character be on location checking in by Skype for the first couple of episodes after Emily was born, so I was able to do that from home actually using my iPad," she said, "not to mention the extra scenes we shot during hiatus, before Emily was born. When I returned to work, they gave me a shower, and they had given me a bigger trailer and had decorated it for a baby girl. We have a changing station, a mini-fridge, a crib, a place for me to lie down, and even a baby swing and play pen. There are stuffed animals all over the place."

"When Katie was supposed to be on location in Paris, and you Skyped, I really liked that video they did of clips of Katie from last season to Joshua Radin's "Winter" when all the guys had their fantasies about missing you," Rachel said.

"Are you still getting baby gifts from the fans?" Al asked. "Rachel said that you asked on your official Facebook fan page, and I saw at the bottom of the screen on the end credits for both shows, that all gifts go to the UCLA Children's Hospital or the Pasadena Women and Children's Shelter."

"They tell me there have been tons of stuffed toys, diapers, and baby clothes," Penny said. "That is so sweet."

#

Penny got up out of bed and put Emily into Molly's old crib after Emily finished nursing.

"Scoot over, short stuff," she said to Linda. She slid back into bed between Linda and Molly.

Emily began to fuss.

"Leonard," Penny said. "You're up. Miss Fussy Britches wants you."

"Huh?" Leonard said, waking. "Oh. Okay." Leonard got up and went over to the crib. He picked up Emily. "What's up, Short Round?" he said. He pulled back her diaper, sniffed, and said, "No, diaper's good. You're just lonely, huh?"

In the faint light, he could see Emily smile up at him and kick.

"Oh, now you're happy," he laughed. He kissed Emily and squeezed her. "Well, it looks as if we'll have one more in the bed. Many more and we'll have to sleep standing up. Okay, just for a little while."

Leonard lay back in the bed holding Emily on his chest. Molly drowsily snuggled close to him. Emily squirmed until she slid off Leonard's chest and wound up between Leonard and Molly. She rooted next to Leonard.

"My, aren't we possessive," Leonard said as Emily assumed the same position Penny normally assumed when she cuddled with Leonard, facing him and positioning her head just under his jaw. "Penny," he said. "Do you see this?"

"I guess she's staking her claim," Penny said.

Leonard heard something and turned over to find himself nose-to-nose with Randi.

"Len-er," Randi said.

"Hi, sweetheart," Leonard said, reaching to put his arm around Randi. "Are you all right? How did you sneak up on me?"

"Cuddle," Randi said.

"Well come on in," Leonard said, pulling back the covers. Randi slid between the covers and cuddled up next to Leonard on the opposite side from Emily. Leonard lay on his back holding Emily and Molly with his left arm and holding Randi with his right.

Penny propped up in bed. "Leonard, I wish I had a picture of this," she said. "You should feel special, cuddling with three young ladies."

Leonard had just gotten back to sleep when he heard laughing. He looked up and, from the light in the hallway through the open door, he could see Rachel and Janice standing over him. "I'm going to have to take a picture of this," Rachel said. She pulled out her phone and took several flash pictures.

"Leonard, are you sure you're OK with four visitors?" Janice said.

"I'm in heaven," Leonard said.

"Do you need me to take Randi?" Janice said.

"No, don't you dare. We're fine," Leonard said. "I wish I could stay like this forever. How did you guys wind up in here?"

"I checked on Randi and found that her crib was empty," Rachel said.

"She climbed all the way out of her crib?" Leonard asked.

"Oh, she's quite the escape artist," Rachel said. "We have an alarm at home. I tease Al that maybe we need to go to the pet store and get a cat carrier for her."

"If you and Penny are all right with all the company, we'll leave you to it," Janice said.

"We're fine," Penny said. "It's only 11:00 back home, so it may take us a bit to drift back to sleep."

"Leonard," Janice said. "It looks as if Emily has insinuated herself between you and Molly."

Leonard said, "Yeah, she fussed until I picked her up, and then she wedged herself in between Molly and me."

"Is this the first time Randi has cuddled with you?" Rachel asked.

"Yes it is," Leonard said. "I'm surprised. I know she hasn't been around me as much as Molly and Linda have. I've been making overtures, but she has been a bit reserved, so I thought she was having a hard time warming up to me."

Penny woke to the sound of the shower. She looked over to Leonard's side of the bed and saw Randi curled up in his spot and Emily and Molly facing each other cuddling. "Oh!" she said. She reached over to the nightstand, disconnected her iPhone from the charger, walked over to Leonard's side of the bed, and took the flash picture. "Oh, this is adorable," Penny said. She walked into the kitchen, where Janice and Rachel were having coffee, and showed them the picture.

"Send me a copy," Janice said.

"Me too," Rachel said.

"I'm sending it to you, my dad, Michael, Patti, and our friends back in Pasadena," Penny said.

#

_[Author's note: Please bear with the me with the following passage. I'm actually setting up something in which Sheldon is trying to be sweet, but he is so naive that he stumbles a bit. Don't think I'm into kinky things: Something very similar to what happens happened with my mother, who was raised in a tight-knit Native American Community and unknowingly stumbled into a similar business looking for Christmas gifts not knowing what the store really was. I had to look up what people buy there and think I'll be sleeping with the lights on for a while.]_

Raj dropped Sheldon off at the corner. "Dude," Raj said, "Alex and I should be about an hour. We'll call you about 10-15 minutes before we'll come for you and see where you are."

"All right," Sheldon said. "I should be able to find Amy an acceptable Christmas present at Radio Shack. They have their batteries on sale. I don't think Amy has a battery tester, so maybe one of those would be good. If not, Cyber Monday is day after tomorrow, and I should be able to get her something nice and electronic. I'll probably head over to Tater Junction while I wait on you."

Sheldon started down the block. He was about to turn into the Radio Shack when he saw the sign for the Fifty Shades Adult Toy and Clothing Store across the street.

"Amy likes board games and card games," Sheldon said to himself. "I'll bet I can find her a nice present, even though I think those types of games are generally frivolous."

Sheldon walked into what looked to be a reception area where an elderly man was reading the newspaper.

"May I help you?" the man said.

"I'm sorry," Sheldon said. "I must be in the wrong place. I thought the sign said this was an adult toy store."

"It is," the man said. "Here. I'll buzz you in. You'll need to leave your messenger bag with me."

Sheldon handed the man the bag, and the man put it under the counter. The man pressed a buzzer.

"Go on in," he said. "Mistress Priscilla runs the show room."

Sheldon walked into the room. There were quite a few people browsing through the merchandise, most of them in couples.

"Oh, my," Sheldon said, looking at the display just inside the door with what appeared to be a bust of a person with the head covered with a leather hood. He walked around and saw the items hanging on the wall and the clothing on mannequins.

"Yecch!" Sheldon said as he looked at the model of a man's head wearing a ball gag.

Sheldon heard the click, click, click of someone walking up behind him in high heels. He turned to see a striking brunette woman dressed all in leather, carrying a riding crop.

"You like my legs, I see," the woman said. "You can't take your eyes off them."

"No," Sheldon said. "I was wondering how you can walk in those boots, as tight as they are and as high and thin as your heels are, not to mention how tight your leather pants are. It must take you 30 minutes to lace up your boots. Don't those pants chafe?"

"I'm Mistress Priscilla," the woman said. "How may I help you?"

"I'm just browsing for a Christmas present for my girlfriend," Sheldon said.

"How long have you been together?"

"We've been friends for five years, but she has only been my girlfriend for three years."

"Which one of you is dominant?" she asked.

"I guess you could say I am," Sheldon said. "I'm the one who wrote the relationship agreement, although Penny made me change some of the components."

"Who's Penny?"

"She was my neighbor, but she married Leonard, and now they live over near the quarry. She did live with Leonard and me for several months."

Mistress Priscilla smiled. "What sort of thing are you and your young lady into?" She asked.

"I'm a tenured experimental physicist," Sheldon said. "I'm probably less than five years from a Nobel Prize. She, on the other hand, is a neurobiologist, which, of course, is the sickly handmaiden to experimental physics."

"I mean what types of games do you play?"

"Like what?"

"Are you and she into role-play?"

"Oh, yes. I play Halo 2 and the World of Conan. I'm a fifth-level mage in one and a blood elf in the other. Sometimes, the guys and I play Dungeons and Dragons. Amy really doesn't get into those games."

"Okay," Mistress Priscilla said, "I think I know who I'm dealing with."

"Actually," Sheldon said, "you ended your sentence with a preposition. You should have said, 'I think I know with whom I am dealing.'"

Mistress Priscilla stared at Sheldon for a few moments.

"Do you and she like to play dress-up?"

"Well, yes, but not together. I go to the cons, like Comicon. I always dress as Spock. But she doesn't do that. She went to the Princess Factory at Disneyland and had them dress her as Snow White."

"Okee dokey," Mistress Priscilla said. "How about this?"

She pulled a one-inch-wide, eight-inch-diameter steel band from one of the hooks on the wall. "Does she have one of these?"

"A necklace, just like the one you're wearing," Sheldon said.

"No, it's different. I'm dominant, so I can put on and take off my collar any time I want to. See? It hooks in the back. If you lock this on her, and only you have the key, she'll have to wear it until you unlock it. And mine doesn't have a ring in the front like this one-it's just a fashion statement. We can engrave it for you with 'Property of' and your name if you want. Of course, if we do that, it's not returnable."

"Why would you need a ring on the front?" Sheldon asked.

"Can't you figure it out?" Mistress Priscilla said.

"Ohhhh!" Sheldon said. "It might be a good place to hang a clutch bag if she doesn't have any pockets."

"You're kidding," Mistress Priscilla said.

"She might like that," Sheldon said. "Let me look around a little more, but you might have a sale. She loves jewelry. I gave her a tiara, and she wears it all the time. This would go with it."

#

Leonard and Penny sat in the fourth row on the bride's side at St. Matthews Lutheran Church in Ralston. Leonard was holding an awake and very alert Emily. "She has that interested look on her face, as if she's studying us," Wyatt said.

Patti said, "I would love to know what's going on in that head of hers. What are you thinking, Carrot Top?"

Emily turned her head and looked Patti in the eye.

"Whoa," Patti said. "When you give me that look, I feel as if I need to go home and change my socks. It's as if you can see everything inside me."

"I still wonder if I don't need to take her to the nursery," Leonard said.

"We can take her if she starts getting fussy," Penny said. "I want to sit with you, and I know you won't leave her there, even if my friend's daughter Nicole is watching the babies."

Ushers escorted the groom's parents to their seats, while the bride's brother escorted their mother to her seat.

The string quartet began playing as the groomsmen escorted the bridesmaids down the aisle. Finally, the congregation stood as Wyatt's cousin Charles escorted his daughter Sherry down the aisle while the string quartet played the "Wedding March."

A few moments later, after the minister said a few words, he introduced the groom's aunt Matilda, who, he said would sing "Ave Maria."

Penny leaned over and whispered, "Sherry and Glenn nearly eloped rather than have his aunt Matty sing. She thinks she can sing, but it sounds like a cat getting caught in a hay baler. It was going to cause a row if they said no, so Sherry gave in, even though she doesn't want her to sing."

The song began. Soon after Aunt Matty began screeching, causing the guests to cringe, Emily began loudly cooing every time Matty would sing a line. She was loud enough that everyone in the church could hear her. It was one of those bored coos that babies make when nothing's going on that interests them. Pretty soon, people were snickering and watching her. Penny was shaking, trying to hide the fact that she was trying to stifle her laugh. She had tears running down her face and snorted. The pianist giggled as she played the song. Penny looked over and saw that several people were recording the scene with their smartphones.

"Maybe I should walk her out," Leonard whispered. He stood to leave with the loudly cooing Emily, but the bride turned with a huge smile on her face and motioned for Leonard to sit. Aunt Mattie was scowling as she started the next verse. Again, Emily began loudly cooing. By the time Aunt Mattie finished the last verse and stomped off in a huff, the entire congregation, even the minister, was snickering.

#

The D. J. Played the bride's favorite song, "Fields of Gold" by Sting, the acoustic version with Sting playing a lute, as Glenn and Sherry walked into the reception at the Ralston Country Club. "Ladies and Gentlemen," he said, "May I introduce Mr. Glenn and Mrs. Sherry Ingerson." The two danced to the song followed by Glenn's favorite song, "Hey Julie," by Fountains of Wayne.

When the songs were over, Sherry rushed over to where Leonard was holding Emily.

"There's my girl," Sherry said, taking Emily from Leonard and spinning around with her. "I was dreading that solo, but you turned it into a duet I'll always remember." She turned to one of the people taking videos and asked, "Did you get the song on video?"

One of the videographers said, "Tansy just happened to be panning in the baby's direction when she started cooing. She said she zoomed in on her. I got the groom's aunt while she struggled to finish. We ought to be able to edit it into a split screen."

"Penny, Dr. Hofstadter," Sherry said, "I love this little princess. Emily, you gave me the sweetest memory from my wedding that I will never forget, not to mention that I think you put an end to Aunt Mattie insisting she sing at weddings."

Emily smiled at Sherry and stuck out her tongue.

"She likes you," Penny said.

"Is it all right if I take her over to show her to my family?" Sherry said. "I don't think I should take her over to Glenn's."

"Where is Aunt Mattie?" Penny asked.

"She left the church the moment her solo was over," Sherry said. "She burned rubber leaving the parking lot, according to Glenn's brother. Emily, you're my hero." She kissed Emily on the cheek and walked off with her as Emily beamed and cooed at her.

Penny walked over to the build-your-own-sundae bar and took a picture that she sent to Sheldon.

Ms. Lidy pushed her walker over to the punch bowl, where a young woman was filling glasses.

"That punch is just punch, isn't it?" Ms. Lidy asked. "I don't want any alcohol."

"There's no alcohol in the punch," the young woman said.

Ms. Lidy took her punch and turned to be face-to-face with Penny.

"Oh, hello, Penny," Ms. Lidy said. "That was a nice wedding. Don't worry; you'll have your wedding before you know it."

Just then, Sherry brought a giggling Emily back and handed her to Penny.

Ms. Lidy said, "What's this? The bride has a baby?"

"No, Miz Lidy," Penny said. "This is my baby. This is Emily."

Emily smiled at Ms. Lidy, stuck out her tongue, and began kicking.

"Your baby?" Ms. Lidy said. "Penny, your grandpa Bob is going to be broken-hearted. That's what comes from riding in cars with boys."

Just then, Leonard walked up and reached for Emily.

"Miz Lidy," Penny said, "This is my husband Leonard. Emily belongs to us. We're married."

"And still in high school," Miz Lidy said, shaking her head. "Um, um, um." She walked off shaking her head.

Penny started after Ms. Lidy, but Wyatt intercepted her.

"Daddy, what's wrong?" Penny asked, seeing the look on his face.

"Where's Leonard?" Wyatt asked.

"He's over talking to Tyrell," Penny said. "Why?"

"There's a problem," Wyatt said. "Could you get him and meet me in the lobby? I'll find Gina."

"Sure, Daddy. Is it bad?"

"Yeah, it's bad. We need to have a family meeting, and we need to do it now."


	3. Chapter 03: The Uh-Oh Extrapolation

Leonard and Penny met up with Wyatt and Patti in the lobby.

"Come here, Squirt," Wyatt said, reaching for Emily. She smiled at him and kicked. Wyatt kissed her cheek. "Gina and Jason have gone to get us a place to sit," Wyatt said.

"Daddy, what's up?" Penny asked.

"I'll tell everyone at once," Wyatt said, stroking Emily's cheek. "I'm sorry. I know you, Leonard, and Emily are supposed to leave for your flight in two hours with Patti and me, but this couldn't wait."

Gina approached them. "I've found a meeting room," she said. "We'll have some privacy."

Gina took them around the corner and through a door. Jason was already sitting at a conference table with his head down.

"Jason, we missed you at the wedding," Penny said.

Jason didn't look up. "I know. Sorry."

Wyatt closed the door. "Jason, this is Emily. You've never met your niece."

Jason tilted his chin at Emily. "Sup?" he said.

Emily frowned at him.

"Okay, Jason, tell them," Wyatt said.

Jason said, "Give me a minute. I'm trying to figure out how to put this."

"Jason, from what I understand, you've had the last six months to a year to figure out what to say," Wyatt said.

Jason muttered something unintelligible.

"What?" Penny said. "I didn't understand a word you said."

"I SAID I'M GOING TO LOSE THE FARM!" Jason said.

Penny stood up and walked around the table toward Jason. Jason grabbed his groin and his throat.

"What do you mean you're about to lose the farm? The farm has been in our family for over 100 years," Penny said.

"I haven't been making the mortgage payments," Jason said.

"How imminent is it that you're going to lose the farm?" Leonard asked.

"I've received a notice of foreclosure," Jason said.

"When?" Wyatt asked.

"Two weeks ago," Jason said.

"What happened?" Wyatt asked. "The farm and dairy were profitable when I was still running things."

"That's just it," Jason said. "I'm not you."

"Daddy, how did you find out?" Penny asked.

"Russell at Farmer's Saving and Loan told me," Wyatt said. "He was the center when I was the quarterback on the Ralston High School football team. You get to know a man really well when you stick your hands between his butt cheeks to receive the ball regularly."

Penny asked, "When did he tell you?"

"Just now," Wyatt said. "Actually, about 20 minutes ago. I called Jason and told him to get here."

"Is Russell still here?" Penny asked.

"He was just a few minutes ago," Wyatt said.

"Could one of you go see?" Leonard asked.

"I'll go," Gina said. "I know Russell."

Wyatt handed Emily to Jason. "Take your niece. You've ignored her since she was born."

Jason sat holding Emily.

"You look uncomfortable," Leonard said.

"I'm not good with babies," Jason said.

Emily gave Leonard and Penny a disgruntled look. She began fussing.

"Here, Short Round," Leonard said. He reached for Emily and returned to his seat with her. She smiled up at him and began cooing. He ticked her tummy and kissed her on the cheek.

Gina returned with a heavy-set man who looked to be Wyatt's age.

"Russell, this is Leonard, Penny's husband, and their daughter Emily. Of course, you've known Penny since she was born. Leonard, this is Russell Hildebrand. Russell and I have been friends all our lives."

Leonard and Russell shook hands.

"Dr. Hofstadter," Russell said. "This is an honor. I watch you and Penny every Wednesday night and watch Penny every Thursday. I saw this sweet young lady on CBS This Morning last Tuesday."

"Russell, Jason said he received a notice of foreclosure two weeks ago. Is foreclosure a done deal, or do we have some time?" Leonard asked.

"The foreclosure notice give him 45 days to rectify the payment shortages with the lending institution, or the property goes on the auction block. Since the posting of the foreclosure notice is a public record, we are already getting inquiries from potential buyers."

"How much are we talking about?" Leonard asked.

Russell said, "I'm really uncomfortable doing business on Sunday. Besides, I don't have the exact figures on me. Why don't you come by the bank tomorrow morning, and I'll have the exact figures waiting on you."

"We're supposed to leave for the airport in less than two hours," Leonard said. "Penny, you're on hiatus from Nerds next week. I can probably do what I need to do from here. Let's call the airline and switch our tickets. Does that work for you?"

"Sure," Penny said.

"I'll switch mine too," Wyatt said.

"I have to go back to LA tonight," Patti said. "I have a subpoena to testify tomorrow in a case in which I'm advocating for a child."

"Okay, Russell," Wyatt said. "Leonard, Penny, and I will be by first thing in the morning."

"Daddy, I'll stick around too, to help take care of Emily," Gina said.

"Okay, I'll make the call to the airline," Leonard said.

#

Leonard and Penny walked down the dirt road from the house to the back pasture. Leonard was carrying Emily in his arms. She was awake but silent.

"What's she doing?" Leonard asked. "I can't see her face."

"She has that look on her face that she has when I think she's studying us," Penny said. "I think she knows this isn't her usual stomping grounds."

They passed the now-deserted horse pasture.

"I'm glad Daddy sold some of the horses to good homes and brought the rest to the ranch-including Buttercup," Penny said. "She seems happy there with most of her old friends."

"I'm surprised Midnight tolerates her," Leonard said. "Especially since you give her so much attention."

"I told Midnight he had to watch his Ps and Qs," Penny said. "I said that, if he ever mistreated her, I would never speak to him again."

"He hates it when you give him the silent treatment," Leonard said. "Like that time he bit me when I was with you."

"Yeah, I didn't speak to him for a week," Penny said. Karen said he was like a whipped puppy, so dejected."

They reached the house as the light had become so dim they were having a hard time seeing where they were walking. They went in to find Wyatt sitting at the kitchen table pouring over pictures of the farm going back nearly 100 years.

"That was my great-great-grandfather," Wyatt said, pointing to an elderly man with a long beard. "He came to New York from Sweden in 1891 and eventually made his way to the Carolinas, where he worked in the textile mills until he got enough money to send for his sweetheart and they moved here and bought the property in 1902. It's been in the family ever since."

"He looks old there," Leonard said.

"He lived to 97," Wyatt said. "He died when he was thrown from a horse. He was out jumping hedges."

There were other pictures, including a three-year-old Wyatt.

"You look like a real character, Wyatt," Leonard said.

"Oh, I was," Wyatt said.

Just then, Gina walked up with a drowsy Emily.

"We're all bathed and changed," Gina said. She handed Emily to Wyatt. Emily snuggled close to her grandfather. "Daddy, I hope you know that Emily adores you," Gina said.

"Well, the feeling's mutual," Wyatt said.

"Oh, you're showing Leonard pictures of the family. Leonard, look at three-year-old Daddy here. Don't you see the resemblance with Emily?"

"They could be siblings," Leonard said.

"Daddy," Penny said, "Did you talk further to Jason?"

"I did," Wyatt said. "He's ashamed. He'll probably be in late tonight. I'm going to stay in his room, since he took over the master bedroom. I wouldn't trust the mattress, given his lifestyle."

"What was his explanation?" Penny asked.

"He got overwhelmed very quickly without me around when things started going wrong," Wyatt said. "Besides, he confessed that his heart just isn't in farming."

"What does he want to do?" Penny asked.

"He wants to restore cars," Wyatt said. "Remember that old Mustang that he restored and Amy drove back to Pasadena? The studio gave him a tremendous amount of money for it and contracted with him to restore three more cars. He wants to do that full time."

"Is he going to have to move to Los Angeles?" Penny asked.

"For now, no," Wyatt said. "This part of the country is a lot richer in terms of having vintage cars that he can restore. The cost of doing business is much less out here, enough less that it's cheaper to deliver the cars to him here and have them shipped to wherever he needs to ship them. Penny, you know Tag Johnson, whose company bought the Mustang. He has offered Jason a job. He will have to find old cars they're looking for, restore them, and ship them to where they will need them. He'll make a lot more money than he ever could on the farm, and he'll be a lot happier."

"I just wish he had told us about the problems before now," Penny said.

"I know," Wyatt said. "I gave him a good tongue-lashing. I threatened him that if he does something like this again, I'll refer the matter to you. He doesn't want that."

"As well he should not," Penny said, doing her best impression of Yoda.

#

Leonard slid into bed, and Penny assumed her normal position snuggling facing him.

"Penny?"

"Humm?"

"Is it weird having a man in the bed where you spent your childhood and teenage years?"

In the dim light, he could see Penny giving him that "Leonard is an idiot" stare.

"Sure," she said. "Weird."

"Okee dokey," Leonard said.

"What are you doing?" Penny asked.

"Nothing," Leonard said.

"You're sniffing the mattress," Penny said.

"Am not."

"Leonard, this is a new mattress," Penny said. "Daddy replaced the bed and mattress when I left home because he was going to use this as a guest room."

"Oh, okay."

"You know something," Penny said. "If we're going to be coming here, we're going to need to go into the storage building and find my old crib-or better yet, go into town and get another one for Emily.

Emily, who had been asleep in her child carrier, began to fuss.

"Calling Dr. Hofstadter," Penny said.

Leonard got up and walked over to the baby carrier. "Hi, Princess," he said as he picked up Emily. "You're not comfortable in that carrier, are you? Come on to bed with Mommy and me."

Emily looked into his eyes in the dim light, smiled, and began cooing at him."

"Oh, you are the little flirt," Leonard said. He slid back into bed with Emily on his chest. Once again, Emily squirmed until she rolled off his chest and insinuated herself between Leonard and Penny.

"Do I need to go sleep somewhere else?" Penny asked.

"Sweetheart, don't let her hurt your feelings," Leonard said. "She just feels more secure when she's between us."

"No, she wants her Daddy to herself," Penny said. "You are quite the possessive little minx, aren't you?" she said.

Two hours later, Emily was still snuggled up against Leonard smiling, kicking, and cooing.

"Leonard, do something," Penny said.

"I wish I had one of Sheldon's lectures. That always puts his graduate students to sleep. Let me go walk with her," Leonard said. He picked up Emily and walked into the den. She looked up at him and smiled. She cooed and kicked as Leonard talked to her. Emily began blowing a baby raspberry with her tongue and lips. She looked startled when she made the noise the first time and made the noise again. Two hours later, Leonard was sitting in the den holding Emily and watching reruns of 8 Simple Rules. Emily was still cooing and making the raspberry sound.

"Leonard," Gina said as she walked into the den. "You look like a burned up stump. Let me take her. You go on to bed. You only have two hours until you have to get up and go to the bank."

"Bless you, my child," Leonard said. He handed Emily to Gina, kissed Emily on the cheek, and said, "You entertain Aunt Gina for a bit."

Emily smiled at Gina and blew her a raspberry.

"That's new," Gina said.

Leonard slid back into the bed. He held Penny, who murmured, "What did you do with the poop machine?"

"I put her out in the front yard," he said.

"That's what I thought," Penny said.

#

Wyatt parked Jason's SUV behind the savings and loan. Ms. Lidy was struggling up the hill with her walker.

"Miz Lidy," Wyatt said, "You need to let me work on your walker. The front wheel isn't right. It may just need a squirt of WD-40."

"Hello, Wyatt," Ms. Lidy said. "My, don't you look handsome today." She went over and caressed Emily's face with her hand. "Penny is the most beautiful child I have ever seen," she said. "Miss Lisa, you have a beautiful little girl. Who's this?"

"Miz Lidy, this is Leonard. He's a friend of ours," Wyatt said.

"That's nice. You gave the poor man a ride."

"Yes, ma'am," Wyatt said.

"Miz Lidy, is Tyrell working at the library today?" Leonard asked.

Wyatt looked at Leonard. "Why?" he asked.

"I have an idea. I'll tell you more about it," Leonard said.

"No, Tyrell doesn't work at the library anymore, except during the summer," Ms. Lidy said. "He's in college at the University of Nebraska."

"How about that young man who gives you a ride home," Leonard said. "Is he working today?"

"Yes, he is the one who dropped me off just a few minutes ago," Ms. Lidy said.

Russell was waiting on Leonard, Penny, and Wyatt when they walked into Farmer's Savings and Loan. The young women behind the counter called to Penny and waved. One of them said, "Penny, bring your little girl by and let us meet her when you're finished."

Russell ushered them into his glass-enclosed office. He said, "I have the figures here," he said. He turned the monitor toward them.

"How can you get that far behind in six months?" Leonard asked.

"It's actually longer than that," Russell said. "Jason has not made any payments to speak of since he bought the farm from Wyatt."

"If I had known, I wouldn't have bought the ranch in Pasadena," Wyatt said.

"No, Daddy. For once, you're doing what you love, and you're making a ton of money doing it," Penny said.

Leonard said, "All right, Russell: If I were to write you a check right now, how much would it take to call off the foreclosure?"

Russell turned the monitor back toward him, typed into the spreadsheet, and hit Enter. "That amount," he said, turning the monitor toward Leonard and pointing at the result.

"Done," Leonard said. "I'll have the money wired to you within the hour."

"Leonard," Penny said. "This is my family's problem, not yours. When we get back to Los Angeles, I can write a check and send it."

"I'm part of your family," Leonard said. "It's my problem too." He picked up the phone. "Hello, this is Leonard Hofstadter. Is Daniel in? [Pause] All right. Hello, Daniel? This is Leonard Hofstadter. I'm here at the Farmer's Savings and Loan in Ralston, Nebraska. I'm going to have Mr. Russell Hildebrand send you a spreadsheet with some figures. Here. Let me let you talk to him. You can give him your private email address. Here, Russell." Leonard handed Russell the phone.

Russell and Daniel talked for a couple of minutes.

"Okay," Russell said, handing the phone back to Leonard. "He has the file."

"Daniel," Leonard said. "Look at the figure in Cell E52. I need that amount wired to the bank in care of the account number listed in cell B2.[Pause] Okay. Let me put you on speaker so we can chat." Leonard briefly explained the situation to Russell. "Daniel, my father-in-law talked to the owner, who happens to be his son, when things calmed down last night, and I don't think he really wants to be a farmer. This farm has been in Penny's family for more than 100 years. I want to do what I need to do to keep the farm from going under."

The group continued to talk about the situation for the next 45 minutes. Daniel agreed to fly one of his accountants to Ralston to begin looking over the farm's finances. Leonard told Daniel he would call him as soon as he had spoken to someone he thought may be able to work with them and advise them about the viability of the farm. As they were leaving Russell's office, Penny took Emily over to see the women behind the counter. They passed a smiling and cooing Emily among them, saying what a beautiful, sweet girl she was. Emily blew them raspberries and kicked.

#

Leonard, Wyatt, and Penny found Ms. Lidy's grandson Tyrell preparing to read Five Little Monkeys to a group of preschoolers. Wyatt, who was carrying Emily, sat down cross-legged in the floor and turned Emily toward Tyrell. Emily seemed engrossed in Tyrell's oral interpretation. He read the book in an animated style, sounding out the parts. By the time he had finished, Tyrell had several children climbing on him. Tyrell had a huge smile on his face as Wyatt approached him with Emily. Tyrell reached for Emily, who smiled and loudly cooed as she went to him. Penny was snapping pictures of the scene.

"Tyrell," Wyatt said, "This is my granddaughter Emily. Leonard and Penny and I have a proposition for you. Could we go somewhere and talk for a few minutes?"

"Sure," Tyrell said. "Let me tell my boss. I'll have to clock out."

"I'll pay your wages for any time you miss," Leonard said.

"Sounds serious," Tyrell said.

"It is," Wyatt said. "We need your help."

An hour later, Wyatt and Tyrell were having another cup of coffee. Leonard was having green tea, and Penny was having a large glass of milk.

"All right," Tyrell said. "I understand. You want me to work with the finance person who is flying out here within the next couple of days to study the farm and dairy and report back about what's right and wrong and what we need to fix."

"Right," Leonard said. "I gather from what you said that the terms are acceptable to you?"

"Absolutely," Tyrell said. "This will be the first chance I've had to use my double major in agriculture and farm management. How do you know I'll do a good job for you?"

"I know you," Wyatt said. "You're a good man. And I trust you."

#

Wyatt was carrying Emily as he, Leonard, and Penny walked into the Moo Palace.

"Penny! Wyatt!" the large waitress said. "Welcome back!"

Penny ran over to the woman and hugged her. "Hilda!" she said. "It's so good to see you. I was so sorry to hear about your husband. When he died, Leonard was in the hospital not expected to live, so there was no way I could come."

"But you sent the most beautiful flowers, not to mention that you arranged for us to have a very nice catered meal," Hilda said. "And your letter: Penny, everything was so sweet."

Hilda told Leonard, "Penny used to work here part-time when she was in high school."

"Doing what?" Leonard said.

"Waitress," Hilda said.

"Was she any good?" Leonard asked.

Penny gave Leonard that look that communicated that he was in dangerous territory.

"We still laugh about how she handled men-and sometimes women-who got fresh with her," Hilda said. "What was it you did with Howard Hauptman? Didn't you break his nose?"

"No, that was Jimmy Riddle. Howard slapped me on the behind, and I broke two of his fingers," Penny said.

"And then Jason broke his nose," Wyatt said.

Several patrons began calling to Penny.

Leonard, Penny, and Wyatt finally made their way to a booth.

When it came time for Leonard to order, he said, "Penny, I'm going to let you order for me. Wow. Look at all the choices. I'll take your advice."

"Hilda, throw in a Texas Tumbleweed," Wyatt said. "We may need a second one."

"What's a Texas Tumbleweed?" Leonard asked.

"Outback Steakhouse calls them Bloomin' Onions," Penny said.

About an hour later, as another group of Penny's old friends left the table, Wyatt said, "We need to go. We have just enough time to go get Gina and head to the airport-if that brother of yours is still around to drive us."

#

Leonard held Emily as Penny flipped between screens on her iPad in the secure waiting area at the Omaha International Airport. Wyatt was over talking to one of the airline employees.

"What a beautiful little girl," a pretty flight attendant with what sounded to be a French accent said as she sat near them. "Is it all right if I give her a stuffed puppy?"

"Sure," Leonard said.

"Hi, chere," the young woman said. She pulled a stuffed Bassett puppy out of her bag. "This is Baxter. He needs a good home."

Emily smiled at her and kicked. She blew the flight attendant a raspberry.

"That's her way of saying 'thank you,'" Leonard said.

"She is so beautiful. I love her dress, and the ribbons in her hair," the young woman said. "What do you call her hair color in English?"

"We say 'strawberry blonde,'" Leonard said.

Another flight attendant stepped to the entrance to the seating area and said, "Marie?" and signaled for her to come.

"Oh, I must go. Maybe I will be able to come back and see my little angel again before the flight."

"Bye, and thank you," Leonard said.

"Guys," Wyatt said, "We're going to be another 45 minutes. Radar says there will be a break in the snow in about an hour, so we'll board closer to time."

"Doppler radar?" Leonard asked.

"No, Radar Johnson," Wyatt said. "He's standing over there."

"Daddy," Penny said, "I know you're worried. Leonard has a good team of money people. Once they get together with Tyrell, they'll be able to give us a better idea about where we stand."

"Penny," Wyatt said. "You haven't lived here for the past 10 years. I haven't been keeping you up to date on all the foreclosures."

"I thought most of the farms in the area were family farms," Leonard said. "Why aren't their mortgages already paid?"

"It's not the mortgages," Penny said. "Every year, you have to borrow money from the bank to buy your seed, fertilizer, sprays, and equipment for the coming season, not to mention paying your employees. Then, when the crops come in, you sell them and come in and pay off your loans. The way things have been going, the corporate farms are running the smaller farms out of business. What kept us going were the ongoing arrangements we had for our produce and milk. Daddy's a great horse breeder, and that brought in a lot too. Daddy, who all has lost their farm?"

Wyatt began reeling off the names of the families who had lost their farms.

"Oh, no," Penny said. She was crying.

"The problem, Leonard," Wyatt said, "is that our expenses up front have been rising, while our sale prices haven't. Seeds, fertilizer, and equipment prices have risen, but the prices we get for our produce and milk haven't. If you have a problem like a drought or a late freeze, you can find yourself with a massive debt and no way to pay it."

"So what happened with Jason was he took out the loans and couldn't pay them?" Leonard asked.

"No, it looks as if Jason started cutting corners, so, when time came to sell his crops, he didn't have what he needed to sell. He thought he could get a better price other places than I was getting, so he burned some valuable bridges and then, when he tried to come back to them, they didn't want anything from him. I would guess that Tyrell and the accountant are going to find out that he totally mismanaged all the finances and didn't follow sound agricultural practices. You'll notice that I only have a garden to keep you, Penny, Patti, and me in produce. I don't try to grow enough to sell. It's just not worth it. I'm making a lot more money wrangling horses and other livestock for the movie and TV studios and letting a select few people like your friend Sela stable their horses, not to mention brokering horse sales."

Leonard was playing with Emily having the stuffed puppy bark at her and lick her. Emily smiled at the puppy and cooed at him.

"I have a date," Gina said as she joined the others. "The co-pilot actually lives in Los Angeles. He seems nice. So, let me make sure I understand. Leonard has paid the outstanding debt on the loan, so there's no foreclosure for the moment. Now his finance people from New York are flying out an accountant, who will work with Tyrell to go over the farm's business practices and advise you on whether it's worthwhile trying to save the farm."

"That's correct," Leonard said.

"Leonard," Wyatt said, "I'm prepared to lose the farm. Don't take one cent from my granddaughter to pull Jason's fat out of the fire."

"That farm is part of her heritage," Leonard said. "I don't have a heritage to give her, and, if I can, I would like to preserve it for her. I won't let it get too far. Tyrell and the accountant may tell us it's a lost cause, that we should go ahead and sell out to a big corporation. If they do, maybe they can help you get the best price possible."

"I'll see to it you get back your money," Wyatt said.

"Let's see what the accountant and Tyrell say," Leonard said.

Emily stayed awake all the way back to Los Angeles with Leonard playing with her with the stuffed puppy and only went to sleep when she was snug in her car seat in Leonard's SUV, which Patti had driven to take them home. "Maybe she'll let us get some rest tonight," Leonard said. "I'm tempted to wake her."

"You do, and I'll see to it you don't get any rest tonight-and not in a good way," Penny said.


	4. Chapter 04 The Christmas Hypothesis

American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 04, the Christmas Hypothesis

Amy was smiling broadly as Sheldon unlocked the apartment door for her to enter. Sheldon turned around to walk back into the apartment. "Merry Christmas," Amy said.

"You're wearing red lipstick," Sheldon said over his shoulder with a frown.

"Yes. It's Christmas. It's from the Penny Collection. I thought it was Christmassy. Comment?"

"No, Penny said I can't make negative comments if you try things with your appearance."

"Actually, the revised relationship agreement says that, if I make an effort with my appearance, you have to give me a sincere compliment," Amy said. "Sheldon, it won't come off on you. It's kiss-proof."

Sheldon grunted but did not say anything for a moment. Finally, he said, "At least you didn't try to put on eye makeup. Is that enough of a compliment?"

Amy said, "I didn't see Raj's car in the parking lot. Has he already left to get Alex?"

"He went with her to a Christmas Eve concert at the university last night and then spent the night at her apartment," Sheldon said. "They're going to meet us at Penny and Leonard's."

Amy approached him. "I guess that means five seconds," she said.

"Hold on," Sheldon said. He went to the apps on his smartphone and tapped the icon for the countdown timer. He huffed and rolled his eyes. "All right," he said.

Amy reached up and pulled his face to hers. Sheldon held up his phone, looked over Amy's shoulder, and tapped the Start icon on the timer, which he had already set for five seconds. He stood passively while Amy kissed him on the lips watching the numbers count down until the timer reached zero and then abruptly pulled away as the chime loudly sounded in Amy's ear.

"I still think kissing is unsanitary," Sheldon said. "We're in cold and flu season, and I think we should have a time-out until it's not as dangerous to exchange saliva."

"Just remember," Amy said. "We're coming up on our quarterly physical relationship review under our revised relationship agreement. Penny was not happy at the last review in September that you complain every time we comply with the five-second kiss rule."

"It's still unsanitary," Sheldon said.

"Why don't you take it up with Penny?" Amy said. "She's still disappointed that we haven't progressed beyond kissing just the times the agreement specifies and that you're passive and make me do all the work."

Sheldon grabbed his throat and his groin and backed away. He said, "No, thank you. I don't think we need to mention it to Penny." He looked at his watch. "It's only 6:15 a.m.," he said. "Why did you come so early? We don't have to be at Leonard and Penny's until 11:00. I was hoping to get in a few more data simulations. With it being Christmas, I've been able to patch in to the mainframe at the university."

Amy said, "I came early because I know you're up at 5:00 a.m., so I thought we would spend the whole day together. Maybe by next year we'll be at the point in our relationship that you and I will spend Christmas Eve night together like Raj and Alex. My presents for you are in the big bag. The other bag has the potato salad I'm taking to Penny's, our breakfast, and a DVD. I stopped off at the grocery store yesterday and got cinnamon buns. They're frozen. All I have to do is pop them in the oven. I thought I would get them started, and we could open presents and watch A Christmas Carol. That was one of my family's traditions before my grandparents split up and my grandmother left with the biker. The local station here used to run it every Christmas morning, before they started playing How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

"I like the Grinch," Sheldon said.

"By the way, I still don't know why you didn't want to go watch Emily see what Santa Claus brought for her first Christmas," Amy said. "They're up by now to watch Leonard's family in Boston open their presents. It was your idea to wait and show up at the last minute."

"I'm still not sure I want to spend Christmas with them at all," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon, are you still pouting because Leonard and Alex won the Nobel Prize in physics?" Amy asked.

"They didn't deserve it," Sheldon said. "Their research is just a regurgitation of the research the team at Cambridge University in England proposed. The committee really should have paid more attention to original research."

"Like yours, I suppose," Amy said.

"Of course," Sheldon said. "Besides, Alex deserted me, leaving me to work alone."

Amy shook her head and took her grocery bag into the kitchen. She put her potato salad into the refrigerator. "Don't you want to spend Christmas with your goddaughter?"

"No. I delivered her. I think I have done more than my share."

A few minutes later, Amy closed the oven door and set the timer.

Sheldon was working on his computer.

"Sheldon," Amy said. "Come on over to the coffee table so we can exchange presents." She looked around from her folding chair and said, "You really need to get another sofa."

"Leonard and Penny haven't shown me a sofa that fits my needs the way the other did," he said.

Amy brought out the other grocery bag she had when she entered. There was a small box and a large box inside, both wrapped in cheery Christmas paper. "Sheldon," she said, "I think what's in the little box is going to make your Christmas. It's a huge surprise."

Sheldon said, "I don't like surprises. They're so-unexpected. Is that snowmen on the big box? You know we don't have snow in Pasadena." He got up and retrieved a medium-size box from the top of the cabinet. It was a tasteful box with a nice bow. He placed it on the coffee table in front of Amy. "I think you will like this," he said. "I got it at a store that specializes in products for grown-ups. I didn't know we were supposed to bring two gifts."

"We weren't," Amy said. "The big box is actually your gift, but the small box is something extra. You'll understand when you open it. Why don't you open the large box, then I will open your present to me, and then you can open the small box."

"That's not what our relationship agreement specifies," Sheldon said. "According to the agreement, on Christmas, you're supposed to open your gift first. And the agreement doesn't say anything about a present and a surprise."

"Sheldon, just indulge me," Amy said.

Sheldon rolled his eyes and opened the large box. "A replica of Serenity!" Sheldon said. "Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! How did you know that's what I wanted?"

"Sheldon, you mention at least once a day how upset you still are that Fox canceled Firefly. I know you've been trying to find a replica of the ship since the people who robbed the apartment took your old one. Stuart at the comic book store had feelers out for a couple of months for one, and I finally found this one on eBay. Look: It has working running lights."

Sheldon picked up the replica and pretended to fly it through the apartment.

Amy sat patiently until Sheldon circled back around to her.

"Oh," Sheldon said. "Your present. I suppose it's time for you to open it."

"I can't imagine what it is," Amy said. She carefully opened the box to find a steel circle about one-inch wide and five or six inches in diameter with a ring in the front. She looked quizzically up at Sheldon.

Sheldon was smiling broadly. "Read the inscription," he said.

Amy held up the steel collar and read, "Property of Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper. Do you know what this is?"

"It is a relationship collar," Sheldon said. "I wanted them to add 'tenured professor of theoretical physics at the California Institute of Technology' after my name, but Mistress Priscilla said that was a bit much. She showed me a universal eight-inch model, but remember when I measured your neck and said I was trying to see if there was a correlation between neck size and frequency of urination? I was actually measuring for the collar. I wanted one that would fit, not a universal model. Mistress Priscilla was out of your size, so she had to order it for me. It came in last week."

"A relationship collar?"

"Actually, Mistress Priscilla called it a love collar, but I'm uncomfortable with that term. I thought we should call it a relationship collar. The inscription means that you are in a relationship with me, that, in a way, you belong to me."

Amy hugged Sheldon hard and kissed him. "Oh, Sheldon! It's perfect! It will go with my tiara!"

She pulled her tiara out of her large pocketbook and put it on her head. "Put it on me. I want to see them together."

Amy sat as Sheldon pulled a chain with a key dangling from it from around his neck and unlocked the collar and opened it. Amy held her hair back as Sheldon fastened the collar around her neck. The collar clicked as he closed it. Sheldon inserted the key and locked the collar. "The ring goes in front," Sheldon said, turning the collar until the ring was in the proper position.

"Do you know what the purpose of the ring is?" Amy asked. "Did anything come with the collar?"

"I have no idea," Sheldon said. "Nothing came with it. I'll have to ask Mistress Priscilla what the purpose of the ring is if we decide to go to the couples workshop at the store on Saturday."

"Couples workshop?"

"Mistress Priscilla said that, if we're just getting started, we may want to come to the workshop," Sheldon said. "I'm still not sure what she means by just getting started."

"I don't know," Amy said. "Let's think about it."

Amy ran into the bathroom and admired the collar and her tiara in the mirror. "Sheldon, it's beautiful," she said. "How am I supposed to remove it when I shower?"

"You don't remove it," Sheldon said. "It stays on until I remove it." He dangled the chain around his neck with the key. "Mistress Priscilla said, for it to work as intended, only I should have the key. You have to ask me to unlock it, and I get to decide whether to unlock it or have you continue wearing it. It actually came with two keys. I have one here and the other for safe-keeping in my safety deposit box."

"Shouldn't I have the other key?" Amy asked.

"No," Sheldon said. "According to Mistress Priscilla, the point of it is that you can't remove it. You have to ask me to do it."

"You mean it to be like a going steady ring!" Amy said. "Sheldon! This is the most wonderful gift anyone has ever given me! I think this means we're engaged to be engaged. Yes, I accept. I will become engaged to be engaged to you! I'll need to call my mother and tell her!"

"Uh," Sheldon said. "Ummmm."

"Sheldon, I'll never remove it," Amy said as she dialed her phone. "Hello, Mother? Merry Christmas! I wanted to tell you that Sheldon gave me a going steady necklace. We're engaged to be engaged! [Pause] Yes, I'm excited. I promise I'll explain another time. [They talked for several minutes.] Sure. We'll talk later." She pressed End Call. "She's excited. She wants me to call her later and tell her all about it. Open the little box. In a way, it goes with my going steady necklace."

Sheldon opened the small box. It had a door key.

"Amy," he said, "I already have a key to your apartment so I can water your plants when you're away."

"That's the surprise, Sheldon. I've rented Penny's old apartment across the hall. The couple who rented it after Penny left split up, and I had an arrangement with the super that he would call me if it became available. We're going to be neighbors! The super is letting me assume the last six months of their lease with the option for me to renew."

"Ummmm," Sheldon said.

"I can move in any time. Aren't you excited? I thought we would start the move tomorrow. I stayed up late last night packing. It should only take about a day."

"Ummm."

#

Wyatt and Patti walked down the familiar path to Leonard and Penny's house.

"Midnight's giving you the skunk eye," Patti said.

"I think he's figuring out a way to bite me or kick me without Penny finding out," Wyatt said. "I don't know why he hates men so much. I've always been kind and gentle with him, and I know Leonard would never be cruel to an animal."

They knocked on the kitchen door and went in to pleasant cooking smells. "Knock, knock, knock," Patti said.

"Hi, guys," Leonard said, moving out from in front of the oven door. "Penny and Gina are in the den."

As they moved farther into the kitchen, they saw Emily sitting in her carrier on the table dressed in a bright red velvet outfit with her stuffed puppy Baxter next to her. There was a Santa Claus hat on the table next to the carrier.

"Hi, sweet girl," Patti said, coming over to pick up Emily. "Aren't you beautiful-and Christmassy!" Emily smiled at her and sprayed her with a raspberry.

"She won't wear the cap," Leonard said. "She's been helping me cook."

"Merry first Christmas," Wyatt said as he caressed Emily's cheek and kissed her on the forehead. Actually, I guess it's your second Christmas."

Leonard went to Emily and said, "Yes, your mommy and I found out you were going to come live with us one year ago today."

"Hi, Daddy, Patti," Penny said as she came into the kitchen. "Merry Christmas." She hugged Wyatt and then Patti. She went to one of the slow cookers, opened the lid, and stirred it.

"The kitchen smells like Christmas," Patti said. "I smell cinnamon and cloves. Is that bread I smell too?"

"Leonard is baking us a Christmas Spiced Nut Bread in the glass tube in the convection oven," Penny said. "He's warming spiced cider in this cooker, and I have chai spice pods and coffee we can put in the coffee maker. Please help yourself to whatever you want to drink. He says breakfast will be ready shortly."

"Is the nut bread going to mess with Howard?" Patti asked.

"He can have pecans and macadamia nuts," Leonard said as he pulled the Pyrex tube out of the oven and dumped the round loaf on the cutting board. "I had to change around the recipe a bit for it to be both Howard and me friendly, since I can't have cow's milk. I have this first one for us right now, and then I'll have two more by the time our other guests arrive." Leonard poured the syrup with nuts and brown sugar over the bread and let it begin to cool.

Wyatt reached for Emily, who cooed at him, stuck out her tongue, and kicked. "Do you think she's wise to the fact that something's up?" he asked.

"She knows it's not the usual Thursday," Leonard said.

"Everyone, Leonard's family has just Skyped in," Gina said from the doorway. "The Munchkins are about to open their presents."

Leonard had their SmartTV set up to stream video from their den by way of a digital camera mounted over their large-screen TV. They saw Leonard's family-except for Beverly-gathered around the Christmas tree at Janice' family's house.

Suddenly, Molly's face filled the screen. "Aunt Penny! Uncle Leonard! Em-lee! Merry Christmas!"

"Hi, sweetie!" Penny said. "Don't you look pretty in your Christmas outfit."

"I'm beautiful," Molly said. "Santa Claus came to my house last night."

"He came to our house too, varmint," Leonard said.

"Did he bring presents for Em-lee?" Molly said.

"He did," Leonard said.

"Hey, Em-lee!" Molly said.

Leonard took Emily from Wyatt and held her up to the camera so she filled the picture. Just then, Emily smiled and blew a raspberry.

"Did you hear that, sweetie?" Penny said. "Emily is saying hello to you."

Linda's face crowded next to Molly's in the screen.

"Hey, Linda," Leonard said.

"Aunt Penny, did Midnight get Christmas presents?" Linda asked.

"Oh, Santa brought Midnight a new saddle," Penny said. "He's going to be the best-looking horse around."

Linda looked around and said, "Mommy says we need to back up so you can see everybody."

She and Molly backed away to show Janice, Paul, Mitchell, Michael, Renee, Al, Rachel, and Randi. Randi toddled up to the TV on their end and said, "Le-ner. Pen-ny. Em-lee."

"Hi, sweetheart," Leonard said.

#

Amy opened her car trunk and pulled out the insulated container with the plastic tub with potato salad in it. "Sheldon," she said. "I can carry the food. Can you get Emily's present?"

"I don't see why," Sheldon said. "You know I don't like gift-giving."

"Sheldon, please," Amy said. "The day has been wonderful so far, with you giving me the going steady necklace and announcing to the world that I belong to you. We're running late. It's almost noon."

"Oh, all right," Sheldon said.

"It's cold for Pasadena," Amy said, zipping her coat all the way to her throat. She carried the container up Leonard and Penny's front steps and rang the doorbell.

"Hi, guys," Gina said as she opened the door. "Come on in. Everyone else is already in the den."

"Hello, everyone," Amy said as she and Sheldon entered the den. "Merry Christmas."

Everyone greeted them.

"Let me take your coats," Leonard said. Sheldon sat his bag on the floor and handed Leonard his coat.

Amy then sat down her container and removed her coat, revealing her new steel collar.

Bernadette, who was drinking a bottle of water, sprayed it across the coffee table when she saw Amy. When she could catch her breath, she said, "Oh, my! Someone has been to see Mistress Priscilla."

Everyone's heads swiveled to look at Bernadette.

"Mistress Priscilla?" Penny said.

"Bernie," Howard said. "Who's Mistress Priscilla?"

"She runs the toy and clothing section at 50 Shades down on Colorado Boulevard."

"That's why I don't know her," Howard said. "I always go to the A1 Bookstore on Alameda, next to the comic book store."

"Okay," Leonard said, "Someone bring me up to speed?"

"I'll tell you later," Bernadette said.

"You'll have to tell me too," Wyatt said.

Howard whispered into Raj's ear.

"No way!" Raj said.

"Way," Howard said.

Raj leaned over and whispered into Penny's ear.

Penny said, "I know. Don't you read?"

Raj nodded no.

"Amy, that's an interesting, uh, collar you have around your neck," Penny said. "Do you know what it is?"

"It's a going steady necklace," Amy said. "Sheldon and I are engaged to be engaged."

Everyone looked at Sheldon, who said, "Ummm."

"Is that all you bought from Mistress Priscilla?" Bernadette asked. "She has a lot of other things for couples."

"Yes," Sheldon said. "That's all I got. We're thinking about going to the couple's workshop on Saturday. I wasn't really interested, but Amy pointed out that the workshop might help us come to a better understanding of our relationship."

"It will be different," Bernadette said as she mopped up the water she had sprayed. "Sheldon, haven't you ever seen a collar like that before?"

"Not before I bought this one," Sheldon said. "Or, if I did, I didn't pay it any attention. We found a convenience store open on the way here, and we went in to get me a Yoohoo to bring for me to have at lunch. The girl behind the counter had pink hair and blue lipstick and was wearing one of these necklaces. She saw Amy's and called her sister. I don't think they're actually related."

"We have to tell her," Raj said.

"Tell her what?" Sheldon said.

"How well it goes with Amy's tiara," Bernadette said, glaring at Raj.

"We have some other news," Amy said. "Do you want to tell them, Sheldon?"

"Amy gave me a Serenity replica," Sheldon said.

"No," Amy said, "I meant the other big news. I rented Penny's old apartment across the hall from Sheldon. Now we'll get to spend even more time together. Isn't that wonderful, Sheldon?"

Sheldon said, "Ummm."

#

Patti and Bernadette traded off the nut bread and the Tres Leches cake.

"Leonard," Bernadette said, "I've said it before. Run away with me and cook for me. That was a great meal."

Howard said, "Leonard, let me get this straight. The accountant said that the business practices at the farm are dismal, but Tyrell said the farm itself is salvageable?"

"That's right," Leonard said. "Tyrell said that it is only going to take about three years to bring the farm back to the break-even point, and that's provided that we go back to what Wyatt was doing before he sold it to Jason. Tyrell's sharp, though. He contacted the Experimental Agriculture program at the University of Nebraska, and they're interested in leasing large parts of the farm to establish experimental growing clinics. That could turn out to be quite lucrative, not to mention that, if we can work it out with Tyrell, he can actually work in his field for a change instead of the same job he had in high school."

Howard said, "A buddy of mine at NASA is connected to a group that is getting grants to establish wind and biodiesel farms. There are tons of money to be had right now, and the farm is sitting in a prime location for both. We could be sitting on a gold mine."

"We?" Leonard said.

"Yeah," Howard said. "If you think about biodiesel or wind, I want in. I'll take out a loan if I have to."

"Guys," Penny said. "Could we hold the business talk for some other time? It's Christmas. Let's enjoy each other's company."

"Sure, sweetheart. I'm sorry," Leonard said. "Howard, we'll talk more about this later. Sheldon, what does it mean when you're engaged to be engaged?"

"Ummm." Sheldon said.

Amy said, "It means that we're committed to becoming engaged. I was thinking that we should have a formal announcement of the engagement sometime in early spring, with our wedding next Valentine's Day. What do you think, Sheldon?"

"Ummmmm."

Just then, Emily, who was sitting in her carrier in the highchair between Leonard and Penny, grinned and made a loud raspberry.

"Emily," Bernadette said, going over to take her from the carrier, "This time next year you are going to have two other babies to keep you company. You'll be the big girl in our group. Isn't that exciting?"

Emily smiled at Bernadette, stuck out her tongue, kicked, and began cooing.

"Alex, you've been quiet today," Penny said.

"Oh, I'm tired," Alex said. "After the Nobel Prize ceremony, I took the other team members-except for Leonard, of course-to Cern for another round of data runs. I just got back yesterday morning. We have some news too, don't we Raj?"

"We do," Raj said. "I didn't want to steal any attention from Amy and Sheldon, but we have decided on a June wedding. We'll have a ceremony here and then one in India."

"What day in June?" Penny asked.

"We're waiting to hear," Alex said. "We're on the list to get married at the Crenshaw House in an outdoor wedding. They just have to get back with us on the exact date it will be available. They have a waiting list, but we got our names down in time that, as soon as the person who does the scheduling comes back from Christmas, she'll call us and we'll make the final arrangements. We hope all of you can come to both ceremonies."

A few minutes later, Bernadette was helping take some of the dishes into the kitchen.

"Just stack the overflow," Penny said. "The dishwasher should be finished shortly, and we'll load the rest then. You know we need to tell Amy about the collar."

"I know," Bernadette said. "But let's not embarrass her on Christmas. I'll tell her."

Penny said, "Okay, but the longer it goes, the more embarrassed she's going to be."

"Penny, Bernadette," Amy said coming up behind them. "I know exactly what the collar is Sheldon gave me."

"You do?" Penny asked.

"Certainly. Penny, I read. I've actually visited the store next to the comic book store. I'm not really into that kind of thing, but it's important that Sheldon thinks he bought something special for me. He has no idea what you really do with it. I think it's sweet, and I'm not going to burst his bubble."

"So you're going to wear it?" Bernadette asked.

"Sure," Amy said. "I'll wear it proudly. Just, when I'm somewhere I can't afford for people to know what it is, I'll turn the ring to the back or I'll wear a turtleneck. Penny, you wore one in the Sixth Element."

Penny said, "Well, in the Sixth Element, when the Mangalores kidnapped me from my parents' home in the beginning, they put a collar like that on me, but it was supposed to be silver. It was to keep me from being able to use my powers so I couldn't communicate with my mom telepathically, not exactly the same thing. So you're not going to tell Sheldon what it is?"

"No," Amy said. "Let him think he did something sweet for me."

Penny looked out the window to see Sheldon running around the backyard pretending to fly his Serenity replica. Sam, Wyatt's dog, sat at the edge of the yard with his head cocked watching Sheldon.

"I'm one lucky woman," Amy said as she came up next to Penny and watched Sheldon.

#

Penny sat in the rocking chair in Emily's room. She smiled down as Emily finished nursing. Emily smiled up at her and cooed. Penny stroked her face and said, "We'll go back out and join your company in a bit. I just wanted some private time with my sweet girl."

Emily looked into Penny's eyes and smiled.

"You look drugged out," Penny said.

Emily yawned and stuck out her tongue.

Penny kissed Emily on the cheek and said, "I know you're a daddy's girl, but you know your mommy loves you too. I am thrilled that you and your daddy are so close. He deserves you."

Emily smiled and smacked her lips.

Penny stroked Emily's cheek again and said, "Where did you get strawberry blonde hair? I don't remember anyone on my side of the family with it. I hope it stays that color. I would give a lot for my hair to look like yours. You know something, Emily Grace Hofstadter? Your daddy is the kindest, sweetest, most decent man I have ever known, and I love him more than I thought I could love anyone. I gave him a terrible time before I agreed to marry him. He really needs you to help make up for some of that. I want you to continue adoring your daddy. But always know that I love you too. You and your daddy are all I think about."

Emily cooed at Penny.

Penny walked back into the den a few minutes later carrying Emily. Emily stared at the blinking lights on the Christmas tree.

Patti said, "A year from now, we're all going to have to take turns watching Emily around the Christmas tree. She'll be toddling by then, and, as smart as she is, she is going to be into everything."

"By then, she'll have figured out how to rewire the tree to spell Emily," Bernadette said. She sat next to Penny and stroked Emily, who smiled at her and kicked.

#

_Author's Note: As for Sheldon's Christmas present to Amy, as I said in Chapter 2, I'm not into kinky stuff and don't know a lot about that sort of thing, but I wanted to set up something I thought might be funny. I wanted to put Sheldon and Amy in a situation in which Sheldon did something that, from his perspective, was sweet, but he didn't do what he thought he did, and Amy did something sweet in return. I got the idea for the collar from an actual experience I had a few weeks ago. My wife and I ate at a vegan restaurant, and the young woman with the pink hair and blue lipstick (not to mention a ton of piercings) who waited on us wore one. Maybe I have been hiding under a rock, but I had never seen one before and did not know what it was. I mentioned to my wife that the young woman was wearing an unusual necklace, and the two women at the table near us told me what the collar was. When the server brought our food and bent over, I was able to read "Property of" but the collar was turned so I couldn't read the rest.  
_

_I know this chapter was fluffy, but I had to get Christmas out of the way. Now we'll begin getting a lot more heavily into the story. From some of the PMs, I'm not sure how much interest there will be in my continuing to publish chapters in this particular story, although I'll continue writing them. I have a story, actually the first I wrote for TBBT, that starts the night Penny broke up with Leonard at the bowling alley, but I've never published it because it turns bad. I've had a number of people urge me to publish it anyway, but I just don't know. It's a lot of negative events to inflict on folks. I actually stopped watching TBBT for a time after the break-up, so I wasn't a happy camper.  
_

_Coming Next: Physical Relationship Quarterly Review._


	5. Chapter 05, the Panic Button Indication

The American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 05, the Panic Button Indication

Sheldon, Penny, and Amy sat at Sheldon's kitchen table. Penny had Emily in her lap with Emily's stuffed puppy Baxter on the table in front of her. Emily was watching Baxter but kept glancing between Sheldon and Amy. Sheldon and Amy had their copies of the relationship agreement before them. Penny had hers on her iPad. Emily cooed at Sheldon, but he ignored her, so she slapped the table in front of Baxter and said, "Myombbbb."

Penny said, "Emily, sweetie, you're still wired from Skyping to Molly's birthday party this afternoon, huh? You love your cousin Molly, don't you?"

Emily laughed and kicked.

Penny said, "All right, Amy, Sheldon, we have read the minutes of the last relationship agreement review in September. Thank you for taking notes, Amy. Are the minutes acceptable to both of you?"

Amy: "Yes."

Sheldon: "I guess."

"Emily?"

Emily blew spit bubbles and made motor boat sounds.

"Good," Penny said. "Sheldon, I see you are taking notes this time. For the record, this is the December quarterly relationship agreement review. Let's go to page 24, paragraph the first, 'Amy's Efforts to Look Pretty and Sheldon's Responses.' Amy, you told me you have been trying to learn how to wear makeup. How's that going?"

"It's harder than I thought," Amy said. "I don't see how you and Bernadette wear makeup and don't look like clowns."

"You're assuming facts not in evidence. They don't manage to avoid looking like clowns," Sheldon said.

Penny slowly swiveled her head toward Sheldon. "Sheldon, I swear. You don't want to push me," Penny said. "I'll kick you so hard your breath will smell like shoe polish. Have you been supportive of Amy when she has tried to make herself pretty?"

"I'm not sure she has tried to make herself pretty," Sheldon said. "She has tried some things with her appearance, but, in my opinion, they made her look ridiculous. But I did not insult her."

"What did she try?" Penny asked.

"You saw. When we were at your house yesterday for Christmas, she was wearing red lipstick," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon, so were Bernadette and Alex," Penny said. "It's what's in this year."

Sheldon said, "I'm not in a relationship with Bernadette and Alex. What the two of them choose to do with themselves is none of my business. Neither of them is wearing my relationship necklace."

Penny rolled her eyes. "Sheldon, it's important to women that we try things to look pretty for the men in our lives and, even more importantly, for ourselves. Don't you have any appreciation for the fact that Amy put forth an effort for you?"

"To quote Yoda," Sheldon said, "There is only do or do not. There is no try. You told Leonard that yourself."

"Amy," Penny said, "Here: I'm writing down the name of someone who can help you. Her name's Jamie. I'll treat you to sessions with her to help you learn about skincare and makeup. I also have some videos the makeup artist from Back Door Cosmetics gave me so I can look good when I'm out in public and I don't have an artist work with me that I can loan you. How does that sound?"

Amy silently got up and went to the refrigerator. She shook her head and poured herself another mug of the leftover spiced cider Leonard had sent home with them the evening before. She heated it in the microwave.

Penny leaned over and softly said, "Sheldon, you are hurting Amy's feelings. Look, making herself pretty with hair, makeup, and clothing are new to her. I've been experimenting with those things since I was 12. I didn't learn overnight. Now the makeup company I model for pays people a lot of money to help me with that. Amy has to do it on her own."

"You wear too much eye makeup," Sheldon said. "My father would have said you look like a two-bit hooker. You show your breasts too much too. You're a nursing mother of a four-month-old baby, for Pete's sake. Show some modesty. And that hair color. Who do you think you're fooling?"

Penny stared at Sheldon for a moment and shook her head. She looked at Emily. "I think someone's cruising for a smack on the back of the head."

Emily giggled and blew some more spit bubbles.

Amy returned to the table. "Penny," she said, "Thank you. I'll call the person you're recommending. I would like to see the DVDs too."

Penny said, "All right, this is Jamie's number. She's really sweet. I'll bring the DVDs tomorrow when we bring Sheldon to meet up with you after your couples workshop. Remember, Sheldon. If Amy makes an effort with her appearance, you can at least compliment the effort. Sheldon, she is really trying. The least you can do is show some appreciation. And for your information, I am a natural blonde. Let's move on. I have only seen both of you kiss a few times. How is that going?"

"It's unsanitary. That's how it's going," Sheldon said.

"He says that every time we kiss," Amy said.

"He complains every time you kiss?" Penny said.

"He does," Amy said. "And he makes me do all the work. And he sets a timer on his phone to count down five seconds so he can stop as soon as the time is up."

"All right," Penny said, writing a notation on the relationship agreement. "New rule. Effective immediately, you will continue the kiss on the lips each time you see each other for the first time and as you part, but, this time, Sheldon, you will do the kissing. You will kiss Amy, and Amy gets to decide when the kiss is over. And Sheldon, no timer."

"What if she goes beyond five seconds?" Sheldon asked.

"Then she goes beyond five seconds," Penny said. [Sheldon grumbles.] Comment?"

"No."

"Now, Sheldon, Amy, have you progressed beyond kissing?" Penny asked.

"I don't know what you mean," Sheldon said.

"Do you cuddle her? Do you hold hands in public?" Penny asked.

"Why would I do those things?" Sheldon asked.

"Ah, sweetie, are you that dense?" Penny asked.

"He did put Vapo-Rub on my chest when I was sick," Amy said.

"He what?!" Penny said.

Emily frowned and growled.

"Sorry, Emily," Penny said. [Softly] "You what?"

"I rubbed Vapo-Rub on her chest when she was sick."

"With her top off?"

"Of course."

"Holy crap on a cracker! Sheldon, did that do anything for you?" Penny asked.

"No, just like it didn't do anything for me when I grabbed your naked breast," Sheldon said.

Amy swallowed the mouthful of spiced cider, nearly choking on it. "Excuse me? You have fondled Penny's breasts?"

"I didn't fondle her breasts," Sheldon said. "When she dislocated her shoulder, I helped her get dressed with my eyes closed when she was naked. I thought I had grabbed her elbow."

"Amy," Penny said. "There was nothing to it. Sheldon, I thought we agreed not to talk about that."

"I thought it seemed germane," Sheldon said.

Penny made several additional notations and presented her iPad to Amy and Sheldon. "What do you think about these?" she said.

Amy and Sheldon read the notations.

"Uh, Penny," Amy said, blushing. "How do you go about this?"

Sheldon said, "I don't understand what we're supposed to do."

Penny said, "How do you think you do it? Just do it."

Amy and Sheldon looked at each other. By now, Amy's face was bright red.

"Penny," Amy said, "I hope that Sheldon and I progress beyond kissing at the prescribed times, but I'm not sure we need to put this step into the agreement."

"Agreed," Sheldon said.

"All right," Penny said, "What do you think, Emily?"

Emily kicked and sprayed a raspberry onto the iPad screen. She said, "Buh-dip, buh-dip, buh-dip."

"Very well," Penny said, wiping the screen. "We'll table that one this time. I do want something other than just kissing at the prescribed times. You could kiss at additional times, you could cuddle, there are many things you could do."

"I like it when Sheldon holds my hand and when he cuddles me," Amy said. "Unfortunately, he has only held me once. I've forced the issue with holding hands, but he said it makes him feel creepy."

"Okey dokey," Penny said. "We'll put that on hold and think about it. I want the three of us to come up with something within the next week that we can add to the agreement that the two of you can do to increase your physical intimacy." Penny flipped through the document, stopping at each amended place to have Amy and Sheldon initial with their fingers. She sent the amended agreement to Sheldon's printer, printing out two copies.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Leonard and Raj stood at the top of the stairs with Amy's coffee table. Leonard said, "This is the last of the furniture from the van. If you guys are finished, we're ready."

"The others are already at Amy's new apartment," Bernadette said from the doorway of Penny's old apartment. "Let's celebrate Amy's move."

#

Amy looked over her shoulder at Penny as she led Sheldon by the hand to her apartment. "Penny, I think you'll like some of the changes I made," she said.

Leonard came out from the apartment after depositing the coffee table there with Raj's help. He took a cooing Emily and Baxter from Penny. Penny tagged behind.

The moment Penny entered the doorway into her old apartment, her eyes became wide, and she let out a squeak. She suddenly went down on one knee gasping for air.

Leonard turned around. "Penny!" he said.

Penny's eyes were wild. She grabbed the door facing.

"Oh, no!" Leonard said. He turned and handed a fussing Emily to Bernadette. He knelt down and stroked Penny's hair, still holding Baxter. "Ride it out," he said.

Just then, Howard came up behind Penny followed by Alex.

"What's happening?" Alex asked.

"Panic attack," Leonard said as he pulled Penny out of the doorway and held her. "Sweetheart, it will pass."

"Can't breathe!" Penny gasped.

Emily by now was shrieking.

Leonard held Penny, who gasped, "Baby."

"OK," Leonard said. He went to Bernadette and took Emily. He knelt down by Penny and tried to stroke her hair, but she pushed him away.

"Baby," Penny gasped, waving at Emily.

Leonard stood and carried a wailing Emily away as Bernadette knelt and stroked Penny's hair.

"Leonard, what do I do?" Bernadette asked.

"Just what you're doing," Leonard said. "Make sure she has room to breathe. It will pass."

Leonard walked to the stair landing and bounced Emily. Emily continued to wail. "It's all right, sweetheart," Leonard said. "Mommy's going to be fine." He walked down the stairs so Emily could not see Penny. "Bernadette," he said over his shoulder, "Just stay with her. Hold her. Let me know when I can bring Emily back."

A few minutes later, Howard called down the stairs for Leonard to come back. Leonard walked up the stairs carrying a still wailing Emily to find Penny sitting on the top stair with her head in her hands.

"Let me have the baby," Penny gasped.

"Are you all right?" Leonard asked.

"No, but she needs to calm down," Penny said.

Leonard sat down next to Penny and handed Emily to her. Emily whimpered but snuggled in Penny's arms.

"What happened?" Leonard asked.

"The moment I started into the doorway, I suddenly felt as if I was going to die," Penny said. "There was this total sense that everything had gone bad. I couldn't breathe, and I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I just realized that I haven't gone back into the apartment since the day I was attacked."

"You know," Leonard said, "You're right. I'm so stupid. I should never have let you try to go in."

"Penny," Amy said behind her. "I've made a lot of changes. It doesn't bear any resemblance to the apartment where you were attacked. The management company replaced the carpet where your attackers bled all over the old one."

Penny clucked at Emily, who continued to whimper. "It's all right, sweet girl," she said. "Mommy's okay. Amy, I know it's irrational, but I've never managed to come back to the apartment. I didn't even think about it. Leonard, please don't blame yourself. I didn't think anything about it either. I appreciate your taking care of Emily. I guess I still have a lot of baggage about my attack. I feel like a real wuss. Oh, jeeze, I'm shaking."

"Penny," Leonard said, "Panic attacks are real. You can't help it."

"I haven't had a panic attack in quite a while," Penny said.

"I've gone years between panic attacks," Leonard said. "I haven't had one since we got back together, but one could come at any time. You hope to learn to avoid what triggers them, but, in the end, they seem to have a life of their own. Sometimes, they just happen. It's absolutely reasonable to still have some anguish when you come back to the scene of what happened."

"What do we need to do?" Penny asked.

"I have Dr. Freeman at the Trauma Center on speed dial," Leonard said.

"You know what, sweetie? Why don't you just take me home, and we can call the Trauma Center later. I just feel a need to be in my own home, where I'll feel safe." Penny sniffed and said, "Emily needs changing."

Leonard tried to take Emily, but Emily began to fuss. "I think she wants to stay with you," Leonard said.

Leonard and Penny took Emily back into Sheldon's apartment. Leonard took a changing mat out of Emily's travel bag and spread it on the coffee table.

"Ahem," Sheldon said from the doorway. "I eat on that table."

"Sheldon, it's a thick antibacterial mat," Leonard said. "Nothing will get through it."

Sheldon said, "It's the association. I'll never be able to eat off the coffee table again knowing you did something so disgusting on it. Remember what happened to the sofa."

Leonard rolled his eyes and put the mat on the floor.

Penny laid Emily on her back and said, "Wackadoodle," over her shoulder.

Emily continued to fuss as Penny changed her. She handed Leonard the old diaper. He started toward Sheldon's trashcan, but Sheldon said, "No. Take it with you."

Leonard placed the diaper in a zip-lock bag. "You know," he said, "Maybe we need to get a diaper pail for here."

"No," Sheldon said.

#

Leonard punched the number for Dr. Freeman from the UCLA Trauma Center on the Bluetooth screen on his car's display as he was pulling out of the parking lot at Amy and Sheldon's building. Emily sat in her backward-facing car seat with Penny sitting next to her in the backseat stroking her hair and making soothing sounds. Emily continued to whimper. Every time Penny tried to put Baxter in with her, Emily began to fuss.

"UCLA Trauma Center," the voice said. "You have reached the voicemail for Dr. Linda Freeman. If this is an emergency, please call 9-1-1. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave your message after the tone."

A few seconds later, the tone sounded.

"Hi, Dr. Freeman," Leonard said. "This is Leonard Hofstadter calling in reference to Penny Hofstadter, date of birth November 30, 1985. It is December 26 at 7:32 p.m. I need to talk to you." He left his cell phone number.

By the time Leonard drove up their driveway at his and Penny's home, Wyatt and Patti were waiting for them. Wyatt took Emily's travel bag into the house while Penny carried Emily.

Wyatt tried to caress Emily's face, but she fussed. He hugged Penny and kissed her on the cheek.

As soon as they were in the kitchen, Penny told Emily, "Sweetheart, let me take you into your room and get you ready for bed." She disappeared into Emily's room.

Leonard brought Wyatt and Patti up to speed.

"Bernadette called us and told us the highlights," Wyatt said. "She wants you to call her and let her know that Penny's all right."

Leonard stepped into the den and called Bernadette. He returned to the kitchen to find Penny sitting at the table with Emily, who was wearing her new bunny suit Alex and Raj had given her for Christmas. Penny said, "Sweetie, could you get my chai spice from the coffee maker? I think Emily will be fine if we skip her bath tonight. She's so agitated, I just think it will be miserable all the way around if you tried to bathe her." Penny held Emily's stuffed puppy Baxter so Emily could see him. "She likes these pajamas with the feet. I wish they made bunny suits in my size."

"That puppy's getting a lot of use," Patti said. Patti tried to take Baxter and pretend he was barking at Emily, but Emily glared at her. "Oh, my. Look at that bottom lip poked out at me," Patti said. "She's looking at me as if I owe her money."

"That's exactly what Penny used to do at her age when she was irritated with us," Wyatt said.

Leonard said, "Penny still does that."

Just then, Leonard's cell phone rang. "It's Dr. Freeman," he said. Leonard stood and walked into the den while he talked to Dr. Freeman.

Leonard walked back into the kitchen a few minutes later. "Dr. Freeman wants to see us tomorrow morning," he said.

"She works on Saturday?" Penny said.

"She's on-call this week," Leonard said. "She already had to come in because she runs a group on Saturday."

"Okay," Penny said. "I'm just not sure I need to see her."

"Oh, I think it's best," Leonard said. "She asked if you wanted to take some of your rescue medication, but I reminded her that you're breastfeeding. So she said it's fine to skip it if you think you can get some rest."

"I don't think I'm going to get any rest," Penny said. "I feel wired. If Emily wasn't being so clingy right now, I might try some of my progressive relaxation exercises."

"That's normal-to be wired, I mean," Leonard said. "That's why I keep a current prescription for my rescue medication and do my japa yoga meditation twice a day. Of course, I'm not a nursing mother. The yoga was one of the best things they did for me when I first started getting treatment for my panic attacks. We need to arrange for you to learn it." Leonard caressed Penny's face and said, "You can take credit for giving me the longest period I've had since I was a teenager without having panic attacks. I haven't had one since before we became engaged."

"Oh, sweetie, I really did a number on you when I kept breaking up with you and wouldn't commit, didn't I?" Penny said.

"But look what I have now," Leonard said. I married my soul made, and you've given me this precious little girl. All things considered, I'm a lucky, lucky dude."

"As far as the medications go, I don't want to take anything that might hurt the baby," Penny said. "Oh, goodness. I'm still trembling. I agree that I need to look into the yoga class."

"It's not what you think of as yoga," Leonard said to Patti and Wyatt. "It's meditation. There has been a lot of research on it out of Harvard and other places. I actually learned it at the Benson Clinic at Harvard. They've taken the yoga practice and adapted it for Westerners. I can see if we can find a clinic here."

Emily sat in Penny's lap and continued to fuss. Every time someone tried to take her from Penny, she began to whimper.

Penny stroked Emily's cheek and kissed her on top of the head. Emily looked up at her and grumbled.

Leonard came over and sat next to Penny. He tried to stroke Emily's cheek, but Emily began to fuss. Emily glared at Leonard and stuck out her bottom lip again.

"Why are you angry with me?" Leonard said.

"Sweetie, I just think she's upset because I'm upset," Penny said. "I don't think she's angry with you."

Leonard knelt at Emily's eye level and said, "Hey, princess."

Emily began to cry and wave her arms.

Leonard backed up out of Emily's line of sight. He sat on a chair on the other side of the table with his head down.

Patti held Leonard's hand. "Leonard," she said, "Don't take it personally. That little four-month-old brain of hers just knows that something upset her. She doesn't understand."

Just then, the intercom buzzed.

Leonard got up and walked to the box. "Yes," he said.

"Patelli's Pizza," the voice on the other end said. "I have two large thin-crust veggie lovers pizzas and a large order of cheesy Parmesan bread bites with dipping sauce for Hopkilter."

"I'm opening the gate," Leonard said. "If you'll drive up to the house, I'll meet you."

"I'll go get it," Wyatt said.

"Why don't we go together," Leonard said. "I'm a little wired myself."

Leonard and Wyatt left to get the pizzas.

As Leonard and Wyatt left, Penny stroked Emily and said, "Emily, your daddy would never do anything to hurt you or me. He didn't make me upset. I did something silly. He was wonderful. He loves you and me so much. I don't know what I would have done without your daddy. When you're older, I'll tell you how he nearly died saving my life."

Emily whimpered and buried her face between Penny's arm and her chest. Penny squeezed her and told her she loved her.

Patti sat next to Penny again and stroked her hair while Penny held Emily. "Penny," Patti said. "Don't beat yourself up about the panic attack. You went through more than anyone could expect you to face-and you did it twice, not to mention seeing Leonard nearly killed a month after you two got married. I only had a taste of what you had when they handcuffed me and taped my mouth, but that was only what, 15 minutes? I didn't have to sit with my hands zip-tied behind my back and my mouth taped while they pounded on me and then left me for three hours the way you did."

Penny waited until Leonard closed the door behind him and Wyatt. She leaned over and said in a soft voice, "Patti, there's more to my attack than I've ever told anyone-the first attack, not the one in the stables."

"What happened?"

"I did tell you that, once they had my hands tied behind my back and my mouth stuffed and taped shut, one of the men slugged me in the side of the face and stunned me and later, as they were leaving, slapped me several times across the face."

"Yes, you told me that."

"What I didn't tell you was that, as they were leaving, the man who slugged me in the face jerked my head backwards by my hair and ran his knife blade across my throat. I thought he was going to cut my throat then and there. He didn't cut me-he turned the blade over and ran the back of the blade across my throat. Then he pinched my nose shut so I couldn't breathe, and I started to jerk. That's when he started slapping me across the face with the other hand. I started to black out when I couldn't breathe. He finally released me, but he told me he was going to come back, rape me as many times as he wanted, and then cut my throat. That's when I head-butted him and broke his nose and he slugged me so hard I lost consciousness for a few moments. I think he became sexually aroused as I struggled and tried to cry out. He mocked me as I tried to cry for help and could only grunt. I sat there for over three hours unable to move or cry for help after they left. Every time there was a sound on the stairs, I thought they were coming back to do what he had threatened. When Sheldon walked up to my door and knocked, before I heard his voice, I panicked. As he opened the door, I almost strangled on the socks they had stuffed into my mouth, and I almost passed out because I couldn't breathe. Sometimes I still wake up thinking about that. That's why I had to say no to the role of Morticia Brewster in the remake of Arsenic and Old Lace. In the original, Mortimer Brewster sits for a good bit of the play with his hands tied behind him and gagged."

Patti said, "All that about the knife and smothering you and the threat to return and rape you and cut your throat wasn't in your statement."

"No," Penny said. "I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I just tried to forget it. When Leonard and I were in Cannes last May for the premiere of The Sixth Element, I still had a bit of a cold, and my nose was stuffy. I couldn't take anything because I was entering my third trimester with Emily. I woke up that night with a dream about the attacker holding my nose shut when I was unable to breathe through my nose, and I woke with a major panic attack. I didn't wake Leonard. When I could, I got up and went out and sat on the balcony in my robe shaking until the sun came up. I never told him about the panic attack."

"Why didn't you tell Leonard? You know Leonard has been there for you every step of the way."

"I know. I'm an idiot. He looks at me with such concern, even now, as if he thinks I might break. I wanted to spare him that knowledge. When he was in the hospital not expected to live, all he talked about was whether I was taking care of myself. I know he made Howard, Bernadette, and Raj promise to take care of me if he died. Do you know that, even when we make love, he treats me as I'm the most fragile thing. It's as if he's afraid to touch me."

"You know you have to tell the assistant district attorney," Patti said. "The perps are planning to plead, but the DA might want to bring extra charges now."

"I don't know if I can," Penny said. "It's so hard."

"The trial is coming up this spring," Patti said. "She needs to know."

"I guess," Penny said.

"Look," Patti said. "I would like to go with you. I know Leonard would want to be there."

"I'll think about it," Penny said.

Just then, Leonard and Wyatt returned.

The four adults ate the pizza saying very little other than small talk. From time to time, Penny caught Patti looking her in the eye.

Penny suggested that they sit in the den after supper. She sat on the sofa holding Emily.

Emily yawned and occasionally snoozed while Penny held her. During one of her naps, Leonard tried to take her, but Emily woke and started fussing again until Leonard handed her back to Penny.

"Sweetheart," Leonard said, "You're not going to be able to get any rest like this. Are you going to be able to handle Emily?"

Penny said, "I think it's important for Emily and me to have some special time. I really wish she would let you take her for a couple of minutes, but we'll manage. Why don't you go get some rest."

"I'll stay up with Penny," Patti said. "Gina should be back from her date in a couple of hours."

Leonard and Wyatt both said they wanted to stay for a while.

Leonard sat holding Penny, who leaned back into him as she continued to hold Emily. They watched the movie Marilyn Hotchkiss' Ballroom Dancing & Charm School.

"Girl movie," Wyatt said.

"Yeah," Leonard said. "I think Penny would like a hall pass for Robert Carlyle."

"He is hot," Patti said. "Not as creepy as when he plays Rumpelstiltskin."

"I don't think I can watch Leonard knead bread on his bread board again without thinking about that scene with Robert Carlyle and Marissa Tomei," Penny said.

At about 1:00 a.m., Penny woke Leonard. She said, "Leonard, you need to go to bed. You keep falling asleep. I'll go sit in your Ekornes recliner. I know it's sized for you, but it fits me too. If I snooze, I won't be in danger of dropping Emily."

Penny stood up and walked over to the recliner she had bought Leonard after he nearly died.

Later, Leonard felt Penny come into the bed. He looked at the clock, which said 3:19. She put Emily between her and Leonard. Emily smelled of baby powder.

"Hey, my princess," Leonard said. "Mommy changed you."

"Patti changed her," Penny said. "I thought it would be better to bring Emily in here, since she's being so distraught and I'm about to drop."

Leonard scooted over so he could hold Penny with Emily between them. Emily turned toward Penny in her sleep and grumbled. She made nursing motions with her mouth.

"She's dreaming about nursing," Penny said.

"I hope her concern about you puts to rest any doubts you had about whether she loves you," Leonard said.

"She was upset, wasn't she." Penny said.

"Of course. You're her mommy," Leonard said.

Emily snuggled close to Penny.

"She loves her mommy," Leonard said, stroking Emily's hair. "I think she was angry with me because she thought I hurt you. You do know I would never hurt you or Emily."

"I know that, sweetie. You have been so wonderful."

#

_Coming Next: The Couples Workshop_


	6. Chapter 06, the Hofstadter Revisitation

The American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 06 the Stressful Weekend Opportunity

Penny sat across from Dr. Linda Freeman at the UCLA Trauma Center.

"So we're in agreement, I take it," Dr. Freeman said. "You need to tell Leonard the rest of what happened to you in the home invasion."

"I'm still not 100 percent sure," Penny said. "I'm afraid I'll get upset, and that will just upset Leonard. I don't want to inflict any more of this on him than I already have. He was so supportive after my attack-and he nearly died for me. He has been so great about stepping up and saving my family's farm, and now I lay this extra burden on him."

Dr. Freeman said, "I think Leonard's stronger than you give him credit. You don't want to hide something like this from him."

"You're right," Penny said. She took a deep breath and said, "Okay, I'm ready."

Dr. Freeman invited Leonard into the room. Just before he closed the door, Leonard turned and looked to see Emily fidgeting in Gina's arms. He could hear Emily fussing as he closed the door behind him.

As Leonard sat down next to Penny, Penny gave him a sweet smile and held his hand. She said, "Hi, sweetie." She looked down for a moment and then said, "Leonard, sweetheart, there's something I need to tell you. You're not going to like it. I've been keeping something from you. I'm so sorry."

Leonard became very quiet and stared at Penny for several moments. "You can tell me anything," he said. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it."

"Leonard," Penny said. "Of course you remember what I told you about what happened the day you and Sheldon rescued me after the robbery."

"I remember," Leonard said. "If I could have been in the same room with them, I would have torn them apart with my bare hands."

Penny noticed that Leonard's knuckles were turning white on the hand she was not holding from how hard he was clinching his fist. She said, "Leonard, there was more that I never told anyone before last night when I told Patti. I didn't want to tell anyone right after because I couldn't bear to talk about it, and I couldn't tell you as time went on because I didn't want to cause you any more pain than what happened to me already had."

"So what else happened?" Leonard asked.

Penny slowly told Leonard the rest. After she was finished, Leonard was quiet for a moment. He got up and walked to the window. He looked out for a few moments and then turned and kicked the planter so hard it moved a couple of inches. He sat back down, put his arm around Penny, and said, "So you've been holding in all of this to protect me. What do we need to do-besides getting my foot X-rayed?"

"We need to talk to the assistant DA," Penny said. "Patti is going to arrange for me to talk to her. She's out of town for Christmas, but Patti said she is supposed to be back in the office on Monday. Patti said she'll call her and set up a time for us to talk."

"I want to be with you," Leonard said.

Knock, knock, knock, "Leonard and Penny and Dr. Freeman."

Knock, knock, knock, "Leonard and Penny and Dr. Freeman."

Knock, knock, knock, "Leonard and Penny and Dr. Freeman."

"What the Hell is that?" Dr. Freeman said. She got up and went to the door. "Yes?" she said.

"I need to come in," Sheldon said, rushing past Dr. Freeman. He turned around to see security coming down the hall with a nurse.

"Who the Hell are you, and why do you need to come in?" Dr. Freeman asked.

"I the Hell am Dr. Sheldon Cooper, tenured professor of theoretical physics at the California Institute of Technology and winner of the 2010 Festinger Award for excellence in theoretical physics. Security is trying to take me to the ninth floor."

"What did you do?" Leonard asked.

"I got up to go use the water fountain," Sheldon said. "When I returned, there was a woman sitting in my spot. All I did was tell her she would have to get a seat somewhere else because she was in my spot. When she refused, I insisted. She went to get security, so as soon as she got up, I sat in my spot. This self-important security guard accused me of having walked away from the ninth floor and tried to force me to go with him. I had to run in here.

Just then, there was another knock at the door. Dr. Freeman opened it to find two security guards and a nurse. "Dr. Freeman, is this one of your patients?" the officer asked, pointing at Sheldon.

"No, he came along with a patient of mine," Dr. Freeman said. "He's not a patient here."

"He should be," Penny said. "The ninth floor sounds good to me."

Leonard told Dr. Freeman, "This is Dr. Cooper, my former roommate. We had to bring him because we had promised him a ride before we knew we were coming here."

"They're taking me to connect with my girlfriend. She's in a couple's workshop with Mistress Priscilla," Sheldon said.

"Mistress Priscilla?" Dr. Freeman said.

"She's in charge of the adult toy and clothing section at the 50 Shades adult products store," Sheldon said. "I bought my girlfriend a locking relationship collar from Mistress Priscilla for Christmas, and she and our friend Bernadette went to a couples workshop. They didn't think I was ready to go, for some reason, so Bernadette took my place. Her exact words were, 'Sheldon can't even get through that book Penny bought him, so I think he would swallow his tongue.' Amy is going to take me to the airport afterwards to pick up my Memaw. She's going on a seniors' cruise."

Dr. Freeman looked at Leonard and Penny and said, "Is he for real?"

"Unfortunately," Penny said.

"All right," Dr. Freeman said. "Officer, we're fine." She turned to Penny and Leonard and said, "We were finished. We're agreed about what to do next?"

"Yes," Penny said.

"All right," Dr. Freeman said. "I'll see both of you at the next appointment. Don't hesitate to call me if you run into a snag. If it's all right with you, I'd like to meet your little girl. I've seen her in interviews and magazine articles, but I haven't met her."

"She's not having her best day," Penny said.

Dr. Freeman walked out into the waiting room with Leonard, Penny, and Sheldon. Penny introduced Gina and took Emily from her. As Emily went into Penny's arms, she snuggled and grumbled. Penny said, "Dr. Freeman, this is Emily Grace Hofstadter."

"Hi, sweetheart," Dr. Freeman said, rubbing Emily's arm. "My partner has a niece about your age. How old is she, about four months?"

"That's right," Penny said. "Four months tomorrow. She's ordinarily friendlier than this. She's been agitated and clingy ever since I had my panic attack. She's acting as if she's angry with Leonard. He was so supportive to me. She doesn't understand."

"Well, at four months, she has the attention span of a gnat," Dr. Freeman said. "As long as you hold her and reassure her, she'll be fine. She'll forget all about it after you've stopped being upset." She stroked Emily's hair and said, "Look at that strawberry blonde hair and those blue eyes. You are beautiful."

Emily looked at Dr. Freeman and poked out her bottom lip.

"Come on, Short Round," Leonard said. "Let's take Uncle Sheldon to see Aunt Amy and Aunt Gina to meet her boyfriend."

"Short Round?" Dr. Freeman said.

Penny said, "Indiana Jones' young sidekick from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."

"Fascinating," Sheldon said. "I've had a more positive impact on Penny than I thought."

#

Leonard and Penny took Sheldon to the Tater Junction across from 50 Shades. Amy was already waiting on him and had ordered him his usual Cheese-n-Chives Potato Wedges and a Mountain Dew.

"Hey, Sheldon," Amy said as she and Sheldon kissed. "I had a good time at the workshop with Bernadette. There were a lot of couples there, and some of them knew her and called her Mistress Bernadette. Two other women and one man were wearing necklaces like mine. The others wearing the necklaces and I got to know each other, and we exchanged contact information. I think we might want to call Mike and Debbie and get together. They seemed like a fun couple."

"Was there anything you might want to learn more about?" Penny asked.

Amy said, "I'm not interested in most of what Mistress Priscilla talked about, but I had a long talk with her after the workshop. She's a close friend of Bernadette's. Did you know that Bernadette used to work there part-time while she was finishing her degree? Mistress Priscilla is a licensed massage therapist. Anyway, I told her Sheldon and I are looking for ways to ease into a more physical relationship, and she suggested couples massage. I bought some sensual oil and a set of videos. I think you'll like the program, Sheldon. It will guide us in touching each other in a more systematic way that relieves stress. What do you think-are you up to at least watching the videos and trying some of the things on them?"

"I don't know," Sheldon said.

"Amy," Penny said, "I have my iPad. We could make an addendum to the physical relationship part of your relationship agreement to include watching the videos and practicing what's on them."

"I would like that," Amy said.

"Sheldon?" Penny said.

"If I must."

"You must. What do you think, Emily?"

Emily poked out her bottom lip and grumbled.

"Sheldon," Amy said, "Mistress Priscilla let me fast-forward through the DVDs. There's nothing on there that I think would make you too uncomfortable, just exercises that get both of us used to touching and being touched. If you want, we can fast-forward through the program before we begin going through the exercises so you can get a preview of what we'll be doing."

"Sheldon," Penny said, "I can put into the agreement that you will watch one of the exercises during whatever day of each week the two of you choose and will take turns doing the massaging. Either of you can call for a review after the first four weeks. How does that sound?"

"I guess," Sheldon said.

Penny made the changes to the relationship agreement, had Sheldon and Amy initial the changes with their fingers, and sent the agreement to each of them.

Leonard's phone rang.

"Yes?" he said. "Oh, hi, Daniel. I'm sorry. It's so loud in here I'm going to step outside and take this." He turned to Penny and the others and said, "It's Daniel from the Hofstadter Foundation. I'm going to step outside and see what's happening."

Leonard returned a few minutes later. He said, "Okay, Howard. I'll call you as soon as we've made the arrangements." He looked at Penny and said, "There's a problem. The Hofstadter Foundation's network has been hacked. Someone compromised our accounts, downloaded all of our donor information, and started draining our bank balances before our people stepped in and froze the accounts. We have to go to New York. I called our travel agent, and Ms. Long is going to call us as soon as she has arranged for us to go. I've asked Howard to work with us, so he and Bernadette are going with us."

#

Penny carried a fussy Emily down the escalator at LaGuardia Airport in New York. Leonard was behind her followed by Howard and Bernadette.

"There they are," Rachel said when she saw them.

"Sweetie, I really wish you would go to your Daddy," Penny told Emily. "You're getting heavy."

Emily fussed and snuggled closer to Penny.

"Len-nar!" Randi said as she ran to Leonard.

"There's my little sister!" Leonard said as he knelt. He hugged Randi and kissed her on the cheek. "I have missed you so much!" he said.

Emily frowned. She began to squirm.

"What's wrong?" Penny asked.

Emily reached for Leonard and began to grunt.

"Oh, so now you want me, Miss Jealous!" Leonard said, smiling. He took Emily and knelt back down to hold Randi.

"Em-lee!" Randi said, patting Emily. "Baby," she said, looking up at Leonard.

"That's right," Leonard said.

Penny hugged Rachel and then Al. "Leonard, Bernadette, you met Leonard's father and stepmother at Emily's Christening."

The group made their way to the luggage area, where their driver had their bags loaded onto two trolleys. He had an airport valet helping.

"Rachel," Penny said, "We're going to have to take Bernadette out for winter clothing. Let's see: My watch says 7:12 p.m., so it's 10:12 p.m. here. I guess it's too late to go clothes shopping for Bernadette tonight."

"This is New York," Rachel said. "You can go shopping 24 hours a day, but I wouldn't this time of night without an armed guard. There will be plenty of places open tomorrow."

The group made their way to a 24-hour restaurant near the hotel. Leonard had to eat his dinner with Randi sitting on one knee and Emily on the other.

"Sweetie," Penny said as she took another picture with her phone," Maybe I can talk my sister-in-law into coming to me. How about it, Randi: Will you sit with me?"

"Aunt Penny!" Randi said, climbing into Penny's lap.

"Aunt Penny?" Bernadette said.

"She hears Molly, Linda, and Mitchell call me that," Penny said. "She's only a year older than Emily. She'll get it."

"I have a question," Howard said. "Leonard said he is from New Jersey. Al, you and his mom both live and work in New York. Did I misunderstand?"

"Beverly and I both always worked in New York," Al said. "When Leonard was little, we still lived with my parents just over the river in New Jersey and would ride the train into New York every morning. After all the children left, we moved into town."

#

Leonard and Howard left the others at the hotel after supper while they went to the Hofstadter Foundation. The technical support team was there along with several of the accountants.

"Whoever hacked in compromised the identities of all of our donors," Rusty said.

"What stopped them?" Howard asked as he looked up from his laptop, which was running some network diagnostics.

"Howard, it was the trap you set for them with the farm," Rusty said. "When they tried to branch to the farm, apparently every alarm on the East Coast sounded, and everything closed. Nothing's going in or out right now."

Howard frowned. "The link to the farm is still secure," he said. "I'm opening it so I can look at the integrity of the files." He called Tyrell, who was at the computer on his end. "Tyrell, go ahead and open the gate," Howard said. He gave Tyrell the unlock code.

A couple of moments later, Howard said, "I'm in. I'm running the diagnostics for the farm now. Leonard, it's going to take a couple of hours if you want to go back to the hotel."

"No," Leonard said. "I can stay here."

"I'm going to be all night," Howard said. "I would feel better if you would go get some rest."

"Okay," Leonard said. He handed Howard a card. "Just call this number about a half hour before you think you'll be able to leave, and they'll send someone for you. Howard, I really appreciate what you're doing."

"Oh, you've already shown your appreciation in a very tangible way," Howard said. "Bernadette and I are going to be able to afford the downpayment on a house from what you're paying me."

#

Howard knocked on Leonard and Penny's door at 8:06 a.m. the next morning.

"Oh, hey, Howard," Leonard said. "You look like a burned up stump."

"It's nice to see you too," Howard said. "I can give you an update."

"Let's go down to the breakfast area," Leonard said. "Penny and Emily are still sleeping."

Leonard and Howard went to the restaurant in the bottom of the hotel. They ordered coffee.

"Are you sure you should drink coffee?" Leonard said. "I thought you would want to get some sleep."

"No, I've had so many energy drinks that I can see through my eyelids," Howard said. "I won't sleep for a week. Wanna order breakfast?"

"I'm good," Leonard said. "Penny and I found a neat little place we can get breakfast just down the street, in walking distance. Father and Rachel are planning to meet all of us there in a bit. You'll really like it. So what's up?"

"The attackers followed a convoluted route," Howard said. "I found them, though. They tried to make it look as if the attack came from Beijing, but it actually came from here in Carlsbad. I've been working with the FBI and Homeland Security all night. They raided them a couple of hours ago and shut down their operation. They had drained 1.2 million from the foundation's accounts, but we've recovered every penny."

"So what do we need to do?" Leonard asked.

"We're going to have to completely overhaul the security on the foundation's end," Howard said. "The security was adequate 10 years ago, but, apparently, no one did any sort of upgrade since then. If you hadn't had me take care of the security at the farm, they could have drained everything. These guys knew what they were doing. They were the best."

"But not good enough to hide from you," Leonard said.

"Well, yeah," Howard said.

"I'm going to need to stay here for at least several days," Howard said. "This is over my head. I've put a patch on the problem, but you're going to have to have someone who knows what they're doing for here and the farm. I have a friend who happens to live here in New York. I spoke with him early this morning. He's a former NSA technology analyst. He'll do a much better job than I will."

"You know that we pay CEI Corporation a great deal of money to take care of the security for the Foundation," Leonard said. "I'm going to need to call Daniel, fire CEI, and see what sort of legal actions we can take against them."

"Well, apparently, they've taken the lazy way out for the past 10 years. I'm surprised you haven been hit before now," Howard said.

"But the Farm's good?"

"Yeah. Tyrell stayed up all night with me, and my guy is going to install some extra layers of security. We're going to have to do that anyway if we're going to begin taking government contracts."

#

Bernadette modeled her new winter parka. "You look like a native New Yorker," Penny said.

"Howard, you don't need anything?" Penny asked.

"Ma dug out my parka and other winter gear from when we lived in Cambridge while I was going to MIT," Howard said.

"Your mother lived with you when you were in graduate school?" Penny asked.

"Of course," Howard said. "I do need a new pair of boots, though, and some better gloves."

"There's a great shop Rachel showed me when I was here with Leonard the week I hosted Live! With Kelly and Michael," Penny said. "It's not far. Rachael, you and I need to take Bernadette and Howard to that little hole in the wall store off Times Square."

Penny had the group go to Hello Deli for lunch, where she had arranged for Norah O'Donnell to meet them. Norah, Leonard, and Howard chatted on speakerphone with Norah's producer, who agreed that it would be a good idea for Leonard to appear on CBS This Morning to talk about the security breach and to put donors at ease.

#

Dr. Beverly Baranski, formerly Hofstadter, read her Sunday newspaper as she sipped a cup of Earl Gray tea. Suddenly, her intercom rang.

"Yes?" she said into the box.

"Dr. Baranski, there is a woman down here with a baby. She says she is your daughter-in-law, Patsy. She would like to come see you."

"Jeffrey, I am not receiving guests today," Beverly said.

"Yes, ma'am," Jeffrey said. "Miss? Miss, you can't. . . . Miss?"

Beverly could hear a woman's voice say, "Take your hand off me or I'll break it."

"Miss! Miss! You can't. . . ."

"Beverly, I'm coming for you!"

"Dr. Baranski, she's coming up the elevator. I'm calling the police."

A few moments later:

Pound, pound, pound, "Beverly!"

Pound, pound, pound, "Beverly!"

Pound, pound, pound, "Beverly!"

Beverly went to the door. "I am not receiving visitors today."

"Beverly, open this door, or I'll break it down!"

Beverly rolled her eyes and opened the door just a crack. She found Penny standing there with a baby. "Yes?" she said.

"Beverly, I thought we were friends. You refused to see Leonard and me when we were here Thanksgiving week, and now you haven't taken Leonard's or my calls or replied to our emails. Apparently you would prefer to talk to Sheldon than your own son."

"I'm busy," Beverly said. "If you will excuse me."

"No way," Penny said, pushing through the door past Beverly. "Here," she said, handing Emily to Beverly. "This is your granddaughter Emily."

"Named after my late mother-in-law. How sweet," Beverly said.

Emily began to whimper and reached for Penny. Penny took her. "That's all right, sweetheart. We'll meet your Daddy at the foundation in a little bit. Beverly, you seem to be working under the mistaken impression that you have a choice. My daughter already has two grandfathers, one grandmother, and two step-grandmothers who absolutely adore her. She has more love in her life than most children dream of having. I don't know what your problem is with Leonard, but he has made overture after overture to you, and you have turned your nose up at him. By the way, he has no idea we came here. We dropped him off at the foundation and said we would connect with him and the other people with us after doing one errand, which is why we're here. He and his father have become close, and Al adores Emily. My father worships the ground Leonard walks on. They both see what a wonderful, loving person Leonard is, and they take every opportunity to spend time with him and with Emily. Beverly, what is your problem?"

"I don't think I have to explain myself to you," Beverly said.

"No, you're correct. You don't. But this little girl has never done anything to you. Honestly, she doesn't need you. She has step-grandmothers who adore her. But you are part of her family. Let me put it to you this way. You are going to treat this little girl with love, you are going to show her just how special you think she is, or so help me you can forget ever having any contact with her, Leonard, or me. You are going to be there for birthdays, Christmas, anything important in her life. And you're going to do it with a smile, or I promise you I will cut you off, and you won't hear from her, Leonard, or me again. Do you have any idea how hard I've had to work to help Leonard get over the insecurities you gave him?"

"I don't think I gave Leonard any insecurities. I made him stronger, and I gave him a strong commitment to excellence," Beverly said. "Look at how successful he is in his field. Perhaps, if I had coddled him a bit less, he would be even more successful."

"You made him grow up thinking he would never be good enough. I have to constantly reassure him that he is good enough."

Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Police! Please open the door!"

"The doorman called the police," Beverly said as she walked to the door and opened it.

"Ma'am, I'm Sgt. Wilkins, and this is my partner Officer Jamison," the older of the two officers said. "I understand you have an intruder?"

Penny walked over to the officers carrying Emily. "I'm her daughter-in-law," she said. "I suppose that I am the intruder. Do you need to handcuff both my daughter and me, or just me?"

"Miss," Sgt. Wilkins said, "I don't think handcuffs are necessary. We'll just need you to leave quietly with us."

"Hold on just one second," Penny said, taking out her phone. "Daniel, this is Penny Hofstadter." She explained what was happening. "All right," she said a couple of minutes later.

"Jim, take a good look at her," Officer Jamison said. "That's Penny."

"Penny who?" Sgt. Wilkins said.

"Penny. She's on Nerds on Thursdays, and she and her husband host Science and Technology Week on Wednesdays. He's a scientist who just won the Nobel Prize. Ma'am, I'm a big fan."

"I'm sorry," Sgt. Wilkins said, "I'm not sure who you are."

"Jim, you know," the officer said. "The big billboard in Times Square with the pretty blonde advertising the Penny Retro Collection for the makeup company. This is Penny. Ma'am, my wife uses your makeup. She will be thrilled that I met you. Jim, you remember the wrestler called the Terminator?"

"The professional wrestler who had his jaw broken by some dainty little actress?" Sgt. Wilkins said.

"This is the dainty little actress," the officer said.

"Seriously?" Sgt. Wilkins said.

"Seriously. The is the actress from the Sixth Element."

"I'm sorry?"

"The Sixth Element, the sequel to the Fifth Element."

"I have no idea," Sgt. Wilkins said.

Sgt. Wilkins' phone rang just then. "Yes?" he said. "Oh, all right. Thanks." He turned to Penny and said, "Ma'am, our commander says that this was just a big misunderstanding, that there are no charges, and we're to leave you alone. We'll go now. Who did you call?"

"My husband's attorney," Penny said.

"Jim, could you take my picture with Penny with my phone? If it's all right with you, ma'am," Officer Jamison said.

Sgt. Wilkins took several pictures of Penny holding Emily next to Officer Jamison. "Here," she said, taking the phone and handing it to Beverly. "Take several with all four of us."

Beverly rolled her eyes and took several pictures. She handed the phone back to Officer Jamison.

The two officers left.

Penny said, "Come on, Emily. I think we've taken up enough of your grandmother's time." She turned to Beverly and said, "I mean it Beverly. You have a decision to make, and you only have a short window. If Leonard and I don't hear from you by New Years, and you don't start taking an interest in my daughter, I'm cutting you loose. Got it?"

"Got it," Beverly said.


	7. Chapter 07, the Moon Pie Normalization

The American Gothic Vortex

Chapter 07 The Moon Pie Normalization

Sheldon held up the sign that said Cooper in the greeting area at the Los Angeles International Airport.

"Sheldon," Amy said, "Do you really need a sign? I mean, won't your grandmother know who you are when she sees you?"

Sheldon said, "I'm simply observing a social convention. See all the other people standing here with signs?"

"Yes," Amy said, "But they are obviously just picking up business travelers they don't know. Your grandmother knows who you are already."

Just then, a pair of hands came down on Sheldon's shoulders from behind.

"Moon Pie," the large woman said, "You're losing your touch. Remember all the lessons I tried to give you about being on your toes I learned from my years living with the A-Patch?"

"MeMaw!" Sheldon said, turning around and hugging the woman.

"A-Patch?" Amy said.

"MeMaw lived on the Apache reservation when she was married to her first husband," Sheldon said.

"Moon Pie, you're scrawny. Don't they feed you here in the city of angels?" the older woman said.

"Mom says I look like somebody with a tapeworm," Sheldon said.

"Who's this?" MeMaw asked.

"Hello," Amy said. "I'm Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm Sheldon's girlfriend."

"You're kidding," MeMaw said. "My Moon Pie has a girlfriend? A real girl? Goodness, gracious, Mary was right. I thought she was pulling my leg. Well, girlie, let's take a look at you. [MeMaw looks Amy up and down.] My, my, my. You are a sight, aren't you? Do you know what you're wearing around your neck?"

"It's a relationship necklace," Sheldon said. "I bought it for her for Christmas from Mistress Priscilla."

"A relationship necklace?" MeMaw said. She looked at Amy, who frowned and subtly shook her head no.

"Oh, a relationship necklace," MeMaw said. "Moon Pie, would you go over and get my luggage?"

Sheldon went over to the luggage area and retrieved MeMaw's bags.

MeMaw turned to Amy and offered her hand. "I'm Marjorie Cooper," she said, shaking hands with Amy. I'm Sheldon's late father's mother. You do know what that is you're wearing around your neck?"

Amy softly said, "Yes, but Sheldon doesn't. He thinks he bought me a relationship necklace, a piece of jewelry that a boyfriend buys for a girlfriend. He would be mortified if he knew what it really is."

"Sweetheart, your secret's safe with me," MeMaw said. "I appreciate your wearing it so you make Moon Pie know you appreciate the thought. Have you managed to get him to loosen up?"

"It's exceedingly slow," Amy said. "I've only recently gotten him to kiss me, and, even then, he has all these rules."

"That's my Moon Pie," MeMaw said. "He tried to get me to sign a grandmother-grandson agreement when he was about six. I told him I would bend him over my knee. Of course, I never would, but he didn't bother me about it again."

"MeMaw," Sheldon said as he pushed the trolley to where MeMaw and Amy were waiting. "Amy and I thought we would take you to the Cheesecake Factory for supper. Our friends Penny and Bernadette used to work there, but they're doing other things now."

"Do they have big old rib-eye steaks and whiskey?" MeMaw asked.

"They have liquor, but I don't recall rib-eye steaks," Sheldon said.

"There's a Cowboy Roadhouse near the university," Amy said. "I'm sure they have a bar."

"Well, let's go," MeMaw said.

#

The bartender at the Cowboy Roadhouse poured MeMaw another shot of whiskey. "Are sure you don't want something else in there, like ginger ale?" he asked.

"Nah," MeMaw said. "It's against my religion to ruin good whiskey by putting stuff in it." She downed the shot and said, "Hit me again, Skidmark. I been on a plane since Houston. As a barkeep, you might be interested to know that, when my first husband and I were going up the East Coast on our honeymoon, he got drunk and started crying, and I had to detour the car to Kentucky so he could lay a wreath on Jack Daniels' grave. That boy loved his whiskey." She had three more shots and then returned to the table where Amy and Sheldon were staring at an onion that someone had sliced and deep-fried. "Ain't y'all gone try the Texas Tumbleweed?" she asked.

"It looks-fried," Amy said.

"Oh, they's good," MeMaw said as she started to sit. "Let's butcher this one while we wait on our steaks, and we might need another one. Ouch," she said as she sat. "That knee of mine is giving me fits." She turned to the table next to them and asked, "You ain't using this chair are you?" The couple there said they weren't. She pulled over the chair and rested her right leg on it.

"May I ask what happened to your knee?" Amy asked.

"I originally hurt it when I was a professional wrestler," MeMaw said. "Naomi Glitter messed up when she threw me out of the ring, and I landed on it real bad on the arena's concrete floor. She didn't do it the way we rehearsed it, and your knee just ain't built to go the way it went. I had three operations on it before I stuck a fork in the wrestling career."

"Were you famous?" Amy asked.

"MeMaw was the women's world wrestling champion," Sheldon said.

"Yeah," MeMaw said, "I wrestled under the name Slave Girl Salima. They dyed my hair black and dressed me in these hoochi-coochi outfits. For a tall woman, I always had a nice rack, so they made sure my outfits showed that. I started out with Killer Crenshaw. The story was supposed to go that he bought me as a slave over in the Middle East from some sultan and brought me to the U.S. When the referee's back was turned, I would club his opponents with a chair or hit them with a haymaker, and he would pin them. The promoter started getting me into matches, and the rest is history."

Amy said, "So you had to stop wrestling when you hurt your knee?"

"Yeah," MeMaw said. "I had already had neck surgery and even broke my back at one point, and the knee just seemed to be the final straw."

"So what did you do then?" Amy asked.

MeMaw said, "I lived on the reservation for a couple of years with my first husband, Chief Red Cloud-that was his wrestling name-but, when we broke up, I signed up to skate Roller Derby."

"Oh, my," Amy said. "I saw a movie with Roller Derby. It looked like wrestling on skates."

"It was a hoot," MeMaw said. "There was this couple who would come to see me. They were musicians, although the husband had been a schoolteacher. I got to know them, and Sheldon's PaPaw and I would go out with them after the matches. His name was Jim Croce. He even wrote a song about me. He died in a plane crash. Sweet man."

"The song is called 'Roller Derby Queen,'" Sheldon said. "I have it on my iPod."

"So, Moon Pie," MeMaw said. "Where are all those other friends of yours Mary told me about?"

"Raj and Alex drove up the coast for a romantic dinner, and Leonard and Penny had to go to New York unexpectedly," Amy said. "They took two of our friends, Howard and Bernadette, with them. They're hoping they only have to stay in New York a couple of days. They ought to be back before you have to go on your cruise."

"Now whose baby was it Mary told me you delivered?" MeMaw asked.

"That was Leonard and Penny's daughter Emily," Sheldon said. "It was so disgusting. I've been there when you and PaPaw slaughtered pigs when it was less messy."

"Oh, Moon Pie, what you did was a beautiful thing," MeMaw said. "I'm sure they're grateful you were there. You must adore that little girl."

"The birth ruined my sofa," Sheldon said. "It was perfect. I had to get rid of it."

"Why didn't you just wipe it off and go on?" MeMaw asked. "That's what I did with the station wagon where I gave birth to your daddy."

"That old panel station wagon?" Sheldon asked. "I rode in that car."

"The very same," MeMaw said. "Lord, son," she said to the waiter as he brought her food. "Ain't you got a bigger potato than that?" She cut into the steak. "And look at that steak. Don't you people know what rare means?"

The waiter rolled his eyes and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am. Let me take your plate, and I'll be back shortly."

"Mrs. Cooper," Amy said, "Sheldon's roommate Raj is going to stay with his fiancée while you're here so you can stay in his room."

"Call me MeMaw," MeMaw said. "Everybody does-except for Sheldon's mother, who insists on calling me Marjorie."

"MeMaw," Sheldon said, "I'm glad you came early so you could spend a few days with me before you leave on your cruise. What is it, a singles cruise for seniors?"

"Actually," she said, "I'm not going on a singles cruise. To be truthful, it's a honeymoon cruise."

"Isn't that going to be awkward, being one of the only single people there?" Sheldon asked.

"Oh, Moon Pie," MeMaw said, "Bless your sweet little heart. I'm getting married."

Sheldon looked up from his meal.

"You're what? But PaPaw's grave isn't even cold yet."

"Moon Pie," she said, "I loved your PaPaw with all my heart, but he died nearly 20 years ago."

"Aren't you too old to get married?" Sheldon said.

"Moon Pie, I got plenty of time left. I'm in my prime," MeMaw said.

"Who are you marrying?" Sheldon asked.

"You remember Mr. Yun?" MeMaw said.

"The Korean man who ran the Asian grocery store he called Buckaroos?" Sheldon said.

"That's him," MeMaw said. "I went into the store to get some of that chicken sauce so I could make Captain Tiso's Chicken. He asked what I was going to cook, so I told him, and he took me in the back and showed me how to make it with his own special recipe. The rest just sorta happened."

"MeMaw," Sheldon said, "He's half your age. Isn't it going to be risky marrying somebody his age?"

"If he dies, he dies," MeMaw said, laughing and slapping Sheldon on the back, nearly knocking him across the table. "He's meeting me in Las Vegas the day after New Year's. I was hoping you would go with me and give me away."

Sheldon stared at her with his eyes wide and his mouth open.

MeMaw said, "Boy, you better close your mouth-you're going to have bugs fly in there."

"General Tso's," Sheldon said.

"Huh?"

"It's General Tso's Chicken, and the sauce is Rooster Sauce, or Siracha."

MeMaw just shook her head.

#

"There it is," MeMaw said as they arrived at the place where Amy's car GPS said the nearest liquor store was. "Just pull over to the curb, and I'll go in and make my purchase. Moon Pie, I can't believe you said you don't have no whiskey in your apartment."

Sheldon said, "Mom doesn't approve of alcohol. I promised her I wouldn't become a boozehound when I moved to Los Angeles. She doesn't even approve of me taking Nyquil when I have a cold."

"Moon Pie, your mama has to get prescriptions from the nut shop at the mall for that stick she has up her butt. Here's a parking place."

Amy pulled the car to the curb down the street from the liquor store. MeMaw got out followed by Sheldon.

MeMaw said, "We'll be back in just a couple of minutes."

Sheldon opened the door into the liquor store for MeMaw.

"Thank you, Moon Pie," MeMaw said as she walked into the liquor store and nearly ran into a man holding a pistol on the person behind the counter.

"What in the name of Sam Houston is going on?" she asked.

The man with the pistol looked sideways at her and said, "Shut up, you old bat! Why don't you and the grasshopper there just back out of the store and mind your own $%# business."

MeMaw walked up to the man and smacked him in the ear with her fist. "Who the hell are you calling old?" she said.

"Holy crap!" the man said as he held his ear. He turned toward MeMaw and pointed his pistol at her.

MeMaw punched him in the face. As he dropped the pistol, she kneed him in the groin and, as he went down on his knees, began to pound him in the back of the head.

"Where [smack] do [smack] you [smack] get [smack] off [smack] calling [smack] me [smack] an old [smack] bat [smack]?"

"Lady, please!" the man cried.

MeMaw kicked the pistol under the counter and put the man in a headlock. "Moon Pie," she said to a startled Sheldon, "Open the door for your MeMaw, please."

Sheldon opened the door.

MeMaw started dragging the man to the door, still holding him in the headlock.

Whap! She rammed the man's head into the doorframe.

"Oh, sorry," she said. "I meant to go through the door."

Whap! "Oh, sorry. I guess my aim's not too good," she said as she rammed the man's head into the doorframe again.

She dragged the man out to the sidewalk, picked him up, and threw him into some trashcans. He got up and staggered toward her looking dazed. He took a swing at her, and she ducked. She smacked him in the side of the head a couple of times, picked him up again, body slammed him to the sidewalk, and landed on him with an elbow smash to the face. By now, his legs and arms were twitching. She got up, picked him up again, twirled him a couple of times, and threw him over a Lexus. The car's alarm sounded as he struck the top of the car and rolled off the other side. He lay motionless in the street.

Amy rushed up. "What's going on?" she asked as sirens began to draw near.

"Ah, I'm just doing my civic duty," MeMaw said as two police cars arrived.

Officers got out of both cars with their weapons drawn. "Freeze!" one of the officers said.

MeMaw put up her hands and said, "Stand down, officers. I was one of the victims. The little feller there in the liquor store'll back me up. I'm just teaching this fool here how you treat sweet little old ladies."

The middle-aged Asian man peeped out of the store. He walked out to the sidewalk carrying an aluminum baseball bat.

"This man hold pistol on me," he told the officers. "He was going to rob me and nice lady stop him. I couldn't reach my baseball bat. It same model bat Penny use when bad men rob her."

"Sergeant," one of the officers, who was kneeling next to the robber, said, "We're going to need an ambulance. This guy is hurt pretty bad."

The officers separated Sheldon, MeMaw, and the store operator and took their statements. Amy told them she didn't know what was happening until she saw MeMaw drag the man out of the store.

"Ma'am," one of the officers said to MeMaw, "You're lucky. You could have been killed."

"Luck ain't got nothing to do with it," MeMaw said. "I eat little creeps like that for breakfast. Are you all right, Moon Pie?"

"I'm all right," Sheldon said.

The officers told Sheldon and MeMaw they could leave with the promise that they would not leave town for a few days.

"I gotta leave for Las Vegas on the second," MeMaw told the sergeant. "I'm getting married."

The officers all turned their heads toward her.

MeMaw said, "I never did get my whiskey." She started back into the store.

"You money no good here, nice lady," the store operator said. "Here I give you what you want."

A few minutes later, MeMaw was sitting in the back seat of Amy's car filling a flask with some of the whiskey. "You know," she said, "I always work up a thirst when I have a physical altercation."

#

MeMaw removed her cowgirl boot and put it next to the other one.

"Oh, Moon Pie," she said, "That feels so good. My dogs was barking like coyotes." She looked around the apartment and said, "This apartment looks just like a big version of your room at your mama's house." She looked at Amy and said, "You let him live like this?"

"I find his quirks endearing," Amy said. "You should have seen the apartment when Leonard lived here before he and Penny got married. At least Raj has some decorating taste."

MeMaw said, "Penny: That's the dainty little girl Mary was telling me about what beat the crap out of four or five big men who robbed her? According to Mary, she opened up a jar of whoop-ass on 'em."

"I think that, in all, she inflicted ruptured testicles, broken teeth, a fractured skull, a broken nose, broken fingers, and lacerated eyeballs," Amy said. "Did you ever know the professional wrestler known as the Terminator? He was doing stunt work in one of her movies, and she broke his jaw."

"Oh, that's the girl," MeMaw said. "I saw something about that on CNN. I gotta meet that girl. She sounds like somebody I would like to get to know. I could teach her how to be a professional wrestler and could make some calls if she's interested. The Terminator came after my time, but I met him once when he came to town."

#

The next morning, MeMaw sat on the bench sipping whiskey out of her flask as she watched Amy throw the Frisbee to Sheldon.

"So you have to do this every other Sunday?" she asked. "Boy, Moon Pie runs like he's all ass and elbows, don't he?"

Sheldon watched the Frisbee arc toward him. He ran toward it with his arms flapping. It smacked him in the face.

"Ouch!" Sheldon said. "You did that on purpose."

Amy looked back at MeMaw and asked, "Yes, he comes to the park every other Sunday. Sometimes Leonard and Penny bring him and sometimes I do. Afterwards, if he's good, we go to Jittery Joe's and I buy him a bran muffin. Tell me something: Has Sheldon ever been athletic?"

"The closest he ever got," MeMaw said, "was when he learned archery. He was about 12. He had to pass a physical education credit in college, so he took archery. We was afraid he was going to lose his straight-A average, but he took to it. He could have gone into competition, but, as soon as the course was over, he stopped."

"Sheldon," Amy said, "Why don't you get a bow and we start going to an archery range?"

"I have archery on the Wii," Sheldon said. "Besides, I have a professional model bow at my Mom's house. I just don't care to use it."

"But wouldn't that be a great way to get out in the fresh air and get some exercise?" Amy asked.

"You could go hunting with the bow and arrow," MeMaw said. "Kill stuff."

"You don't have to kill anything on the Wii," Sheldon said as Amy threw the Frisbee at him again.

MeMaw said, "I tried to get the boy to learn how to shoot skeets, but he said the shotgun hurt his shoulder. He threw down my best shotgun and ran into the house crying. I'm not sure we should put a firearm in his hands anyway."

"How old was he when that happened?" Amy asked.

"That was last year when he came home for his Uncle Shuck's funeral," MeMaw said.

This time, the Frisbee struck Sheldon in the back of the head. He turned around and said, "That one sneaked up on me."

MeMaw stood up and walked over to stand next to Amy. She quietly said, "Mary's about to have kittens because she's afraid you and Moon Pie have done the Nasty."

"The Nasty?" Amy said.

"You know," MeMaw said, "the Wamsutta Mambo, the mattress dance."

"We have just gotten to the point-thanks to Penny-that we kiss," Amy said. "I think Sheldon is two to three years away from having coitus. He complains every time I hold his hand."

"Having what?" MeMaw said.

"Coitus. Sex," Amy said. "He's two to three years away from having sex."

"What's Penny got to do with it?" MeMaw said.

Amy explained about the relationship agreement and how Penny had gotten tired of how Sheldon treated her and bullied him into submitting to a set of physical relationship amendments.

MeMaw said, "The more I hear about this Penny, the more I want to meet her. She sounds like she has some spunk. You know, I have three grandchildren, and I love all of them with my heart and soul. But that boy, he's special. If you can get him to stay in this relationship, I will be your friend for life."

"I'm doing what I can," Amy said.

#

MeMaw took the flask out of her pocketbook and poured some of its contents into her second cup of coffee at Jittery Joe's. "Moon Pie," she said, "You need to eat something other than a bran muffin. They have breakfast sandwiches. No wonder you're so scrawny."

"I'm saving up stomach space for your fried chicken and home-fried potatoes," Sheldon said. "Amy, you're in for a treat. MeMaw, I bought everything you need, plus the fixings for your famous German chocolate cake. Besides, bran helps you keep your bowels regulated."

Just then, Amy's phone made the Skype sound. "Oh," she said, "It's Penny. Hi, Bestie."

"Hi, Amy," Penny said. Emily's face appeared on the screen. "Say hi to Aunt Amy," Penny said to Emily. Emily stuck out her bottom lip and grumbled. "I'm sorry I missed your call earlier." Penny looked around to make sure she and Emily were alone. "Don't ever tell Leonard this, but I went to see his mom. Things were a bit tense when you called, so I had to reject the call. We're back at Hofstadter Industries now, and this is the first chance I've had to be alone so I could call you back. Emily's still upset at meeting Leonard's mother. Wazzup?"

"Sheldon's MeMaw is here with Sheldon and me at Jittery Joe's," Amy said. "I hope you and the others are going to be back by New Year's so you can meet her. I think you and she would hit it off."

"Amy," Sheldon said. "You've been around Penny too much. You're beginning to end your sentences with prepositions."

"It's called language pragmatics," Amy said. "Get over it. I'm not writing a formal paper, I'm talking to my bestie. It sounds more natural than contriving my sentences to avoid ending them in prepositions the way you do. Anyway, Penny, MeMaw interrupted a robbery at the liquor store last night. She picked up the holdup man and body slammed him and then threw him over a Lexus. I told her about your beating up the men who robbed you, and she wants to meet you. She's invited all of Sheldon's friends to go to Las Vegas the day after New Year's for her to get married."

"No way!"

"Way! Sheldon's not sold on the idea yet, but MeMaw and I are working on him. You said you were at Leonard's mom's. How did that go?" Amy said.

Penny said, "I tore her a new one because of the way she's been treating Leonard and because she had never made any effort to meet Emily. I gave her until New Year's to decide whether she wanted to be a part of our lives and told her that, if she's not in 100 percent, she's totally out."

"Do you think she'll decide to be in? Yes, Sheldon, I ended my sentence with a preposition again. Stop rolling your eyes and muttering under your breath."

Penny said, "I don't know. Leonard is about at the end of his rope with her. It was bad enough when she always communicated how disappointed she was in him, but ignoring Emily may be it for him. Oh, here comes Leonard. Sweetie, Emily and I are talking to Aunt Amy. I'll tell you about Sheldon's MeMaw when I'm off Skype."

"Penny," Amy said, "MeMaw says you sound like a hoot. Did you know she's a former women's world wrestling champion and skated Roller Derby?"

"No," Penny said. "I pictured a sweet, frail, Betty-White-looking grandmother from the way Sheldon talks about her. I have to meet her."

MeMaw's face appeared in the corner of the screen. "My stars!" she said. "You can talk face-to-face on this thing? I'm gonna have to get myself one of these phones. I still have the flip-phone I've used for the last 10 years. Penny is it? Goodness, gracious, you're beautiful! Who's that sweetie pie with you? Is that the baby Moon Pie delivered?"

"Yes," Penny said, "This is Emily, the baby Moon Pie delivered. Say hi to MeMaw, Emily. I heard that Moon Pie's there, but I don't see him."

"He's here," MeMaw said, "But he's pouting because I'm getting married."

"That's what Amy told me," Penny said. "How wonderful-that you're getting married, I mean, not that Sheldon's pouting. We're all used to that. Of course we'll go. My husband's and my shows are on hiatus until next week, and Leonard doesn't go back to Caltech until mid-month."

MeMaw said, "I thought we would fly out on the morning of the second and then fly back two days later on Sunday."

"I'm not flying," Penny could hear Sheldon say off-screen.

"What do you mean you're not flying, Moon Pie?" MeMaw said.

"I'm not flying. I'll take the train-if I decide to go at all," Sheldon said.

"Moon Pie," MeMaw said, "Are you going to mess up everyone's plans with some of that nonsense of yours?"

"Aviatophobia is a legitimate psychological disorder," Sheldon said. "And it isn't nonsense. Many notable people have phobias. Psychologist John B. Watson, from Travelers Rest, South Carolina, building on the work of Russian neuroscientist Ivan Pavlov with dogs, demonstrated nearly 100 years ago how we can condition phobias in humans. Of course, he was a womanizer and a narcissist, but you can't argue with his findings. He was the grandfather of actress Mariette Hartley, who played Spock's girlfriend on the frozen planet on Star Trek, by the way. She also played Hoss' mother on Bonanza. After Dr. Watson got fired for having an affair with his graduate student Rosalee Raynor, he went into advertising. He's the one who came up with the slogans, 'Maxwell House Coffee, good to the last drop' and 'Ivory Soap, 99 and 44 one-hundredths percent pure.'"

MeMaw stared at Sheldon for a couple of moments and then shook her head.

Amy turned to MeMaw and said, "You know, Sheldon likes Long Island Iced Tea. Maybe he'll let you and me talk him into drinking a couple of glasses before the flight. He won't care about flying after that."

"I told you that, ever since the naked night Kerfuffle, I don't drink Long Island Iced Tea," Sheldon said.

"We'll work it out," Amy said.

#

MeMaw looked over Amy's shoulder as Amy dredged the chicken in the flour, breadcrumb, and crushed cornflake mixture. "There you go," she said. "Now put the chicken aside and let it sit for just a couple of minutes before you fry it. We can be dredging the rest."

"This is an interesting mixture," Amy said. "Corn flakes?"

"With a little Panko breadcrumbs," MeMaw said. "I'd never used Panko before, but Sung Duk-that's my sweetie-watched me get chicken ready for frying and suggested I try it. You can get it at all Asian stores. I've used crushed corn flakes since the 1960s. It gives the chicken a nice, crispy crust."

"And your fiancé calls his store Buckaroo's?" Amy said.

"He thought that sounded more Texan," MeMaw said. "All right, now lay the pieces in the frying pan." MeMaw looked around and whispered, "The recipe I wrote down for you has my secret spices. Moon Pie's mama would kill to get her mitts on it."

Amy did as MeMaw said.

"Now periodically use the spatula to keep it from sticking," MeMaw said. "Now, while that's going, let's do the potatoes. It's a good thing Moon Pie has the deep fryer."

"When Leonard and Penny got married," Amy said, "People started sending them things, and the fryer was one of the things they sent. They gave away everything they could and donated the rest. I've been trying to get Sheldon to do French fries in it, but he said the only thing he eats named after a country is your German chocolate cake."

"That reminds me," MeMaw said. She bent down, flipped on the light, and looked into the oven. "The cake's still looking good. We have about 20 minutes to go." She downed another shot of whiskey. "Lord, girl, we're going to have to make a whiskey run sometime before bedtime. Now do you think you can remember how to cook the fried chicken, potatoes, and German chocolate cake? I put my phone number on all the recipes so you can call me if you get in a snag."

"I think so," Amy said.

"Tomorrow, I'm going to teach you how to make fried ham and Red-Eye Gravy. Just one thing: Don't tell Mary where you got the recipe for the Red-Eye Gravy. She's been after me to give it to her for years. I'm kinda put out with her, so I ain't give it to her yet. But I will: I have a whole collection of recipes I'll leave her. Come to think about it, maybe I need to give 'em to you. You know what they say, 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.'"

"I would appreciate that," Amy said.

A few minutes later, Amy, Sheldon, and MeMaw were well into their lunch.

"MeMaw," Sheldon said, taking his third helping of fried chicken, "This is the best you've ever cooked the fried chicken. I have been wanting your friend chicken for so long. And the potatoes. I'm in Heaven-if there is such a thing."

"Really?" MeMaw said, winking at Amy. "You really like them?"

"I do," Sheldon said.

"Well, I have a surprise for you, Moon Pie," MeMaw said. "Amy cooked the chicken and the potatoes. I only supervised. I've give her my recipes, and I promised her that, tomorrow, I'll show her how to cook my famous fried ham and Red-Eye Gravy."

Sheldon stopped eating and looked at MeMaw. "Amy cooked these? But I wanted cooking from you."

"Moon Pie, it's all the same," MeMaw said. "I supervised, and Amy did everything just right, just like I taught her. Now, she'll be able to fix those things for you any time. I would-a taught you if you didn't have that streak in you my boy taught you that only women can cook."

"Our friends Leonard and Penny went to cooking classes together," Amy said. "They both turned out to be wonderful cooks, but Leonard does most of the cooking now because he said that relaxes him. I tried to get Sheldon to go, but he said he would take cooking classes about the same time he started wearing lipstick."

"Well," Sheldon said, "At least Amy didn't bake the German chocolate cake. At least my MeMaw did that for me."

MeMaw winked at Amy and took another shot of whiskey.


End file.
